Soho is my Gotham: Prologue

So I got this screwed up piece of paper shoved through the letterbox at work this morning. It had my name on it. This was also written on it:

Ghost Rules in the Theoretical World:

Each Ghost is preset with time energy. Time energy allows for the continued existence on Earth after death. When time energy is used up Ghosts are automatically transported to Darkspace, then their eternal whereabouts from then on is decided. They have no choice in the matter. Time energy burns relatively quickly, which is why genuine Ghost sightings are quite rare. There is, however, a way to extend time indefinitely.

Ghosts also possess 'fear' energy. This is burnt up by extracting fear from the living, through direct encounters. When fear energy is burnt up, time energy increases.

Unlike time energy, fear energy is readily available and can be replenished in 'Ghost Tower', a tower wherein time does not exist so extended time spent there is not threatening to a Ghost as time energy can only be spent where a passage of time is present. The reason time is still in Ghost Tower (which you no doubt know as 'Centre Point' near Tottenham Court Road station) is because it hangs directly below an entrance to Darkspace and can draw power from there in the manner of a person using their neighbour's unsecured wi fi network. When fear energy is replenished, Ghosts can endure hours of scaring the living before having to 'refuel'.

All living beings are born with this information, but there is a mental firewall around it and the info can not be accessed until the moment of death, at which point it feels retroactively like an old memory. This is how Ghosts are not driven insane at their own existence and also how they can instantly get on with maintaining their time energy. Some Ghosts have been known to remain on Earth for up to 2000 years, although the average endurance time is only 4 years.

I'll tell you about the Theoretical World at a later date.

In six months this won't be gibberish. Be ready.

What the fuck???

The Adventure of the Regular Customer

My Attempt at a Sherlock Holmes Short Story




'Yes Watson', remarked my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes on one particularly warm Saturday afternoon, 'I would very much like to go to the public house for a drink with you.


I started up, astonished. 'Holmes' I gasped, 'how on Earth did you know that was my desire?'


'I beg pardon?' replied Holmes, 'did you not just ask?'

'I certainly did not. I haven't spoken a word these last ten minutes!'

'Forgive me Watson' said Holmes. 'I must have just read the question and imagined myself hearing it. That is certainly feasible at times when my mind is so idly starved of work. I perceived that you have glanced longingly at that empty brandy decanter no fewer than three times in the last half-hour. Add to that your rather restless sitting posture, the long stare at the blue sky through the window and that quiet sigh you uttered just now that I was not meant to hear but heard all the same, then I can safely deduce that you desire to leave our dwellings for an afternoon. Am I not correct?'

'In every detail' I replied, somewhat begrudgingly.

'Well fortunately for you I would like nothing more than a pleasant walk to somewhere with more human activity than our little home is presently offering. I know just the place, collect your hat and we shall leave immediately.'

Before long we were taking a pleasant stroll away from Baker Street and into Regent's Park, which was alive with Holmes' much-desired human activity. Through the park we carried on northwards toward the Charing Cross Road. On the way Holmes described to me the public house which we were headed to.

'It is a terrific place, Watson' he exclaimed, 'newly built this past year on an excellent spot on Cambridge Circus. Unfortunately business has slipped in these last few days, they will be grateful of our custom I do not doubt.'

Considering the wonderful weather, I asked how business could possibly have been poor at a time like this.

'The discovery of a murdered corpse not ten feet from the entrance has rather put the fear into a lot of its regulars. It is completely absurd that one incident could have such a profound effect on so many not connected to it.'

I winced at Holmes' coldness and statistical manner toward the deceased. 'How was the murder committed?' I asked. 'Strange that I have not heard of so local a crime from the press.'

'Such a crime affords little publicity' Holmes replied. 'A drunken disagreement gone too far, no doubt. A little column on an insignificant page that no doubt you would have overlooked, or even read and forgotten about. Either way, I make it my endeavor not to miss these things.'

We arrived at the public house, which was indeed as pleasant as my friend had promised. Unfortunately its sparseness of custom also lived up to Holmes' descriptions. There was but one drinker in the building, and even he was leaving as we arrived.

As we approached the bar Holmes took me by the arm and hissed an excited whisper in my ear; 'That was the murderer' he said, glancing toward the table of the man who had just left.

I raised an eyebrow. 'How could you have deduced that?' I asked in reply.

Holmes did not reply. Instead he darted over to the man's former table, which held an empty ale glass and a copy of the Times, and stared at it intently for a number of seconds. He then strode over to the bartender.

'Who was that?' Holmes asked. 'The gentleman who left just now?'

'Simons' the barkeep replied. 'He's always here.'

Holmes returned to my side. 'I am correct' he said with some affirmation.

'Explain' said I.

Grabbing me firmly by the arm, Holmes escorted me to the departed gentleman's table with the intention of showing me exactly how he reached this seemingly unattainable conclusion.

'Notice the marks on the table' he said, gesturing.

I squinted at the marks. There were two circular glass marks, close to each other. 'What do you find remarkable about these?' I asked, defeated by the baffling scenario.

Holmes sighed. 'Watson' he groaned, 'I am continually astonished by your inability to see something so clearly embedded in your eyeline. What do you find interesting about the stains on the table that you have no less than admitted to seeing?'

I shrugged. Holmes continued. 'There are two marks' he said. 'Only two. You and I both know that ale is not a drink easily finished in two gulps. The man only placed his glass on the table twice since purchasing it, which means he must have finished it in two attempts.'

'Okay' said I, 'but how could you possibly know that it wasn't his original intention to drink hurriedly?'

'I don't know for certain' replied my friend, 'but do you believe he would have chosen a table so far from the bar, assuming he would bother choosing a table at all, if he intended to leave straight away? Add to that the mere presence of a newspaper and we can safely assume that he planned on staying a while, that is until he saw me coming through the window.'

Though admittedly impressed by Holmes' deductions thus far, one rather significant element still left me in doubt. 'What makes you so sure that it was your arrival that prompted him to leave?' I asked.

'The newspaper' Holmes replied with confidence. 'It is The Times, the daily which commonly, often against my better desires, reports my successes in the field of criminal detection. A man who regularly reads this paper would not fail to recognise me, and I am sure that our fellow is a regular reader of The Times because of these thumb markings.'

Holmes lifted the paper and, showing it to me, flicked briefly through it. 'Notice how these thumbprints (still damp in case you were doubting this man's ownership of the paper) only appear on every few pages, rather than every page. A regular reader eventually knows where his particular articles of interest lie, and is able to skip past the pages he does not wish to read. So we can faithfully conclude that the departed gentleman is indeed a regular reader of the times.'

'Remarkable!' I exclaimed. 'From little more than an empty glass and a discarded newspaper you have deduced that, upon seeing you, who he could not fail to recognise from the pages of The Times, our man quickly finished his drink and rushed off against his original intentions, having mistaken your visit for one of detection into his crime. My friend, you continue to astound me.'

'It is all there' Holmes replied, dismissing my compliments with a wave, 'I just endeavour to ensure that I see it. I have often told you, Watson, that you also possess my powers. You just need to make the extra effort to actually access them.'

'One thing remains though' I said, 'why on Earth would a murderer return to the place where the crime was comitted, knowing full well that it would be under investigation?'

'A commendable question Watson' replied Holmes with a smile. 'Though you have answered it yourself.'

'I'm sorry?'

'The man finished his drink in two gulps. He could have more easily left it unfinished. What does the fact that he drank to the last drop before fleeing tell you?'

'That he is addicted to the drink' said I.

'Precisely. He is a regular here, and an alcoholic. So much so that he would jeapordise his safety and freedom for another drink. One other thing, the murder was comitted outside of a public house opening hours, so only a regular, who would be invited to remain in the pub after closing, could have comitted the crime. The bruises on the body were all over the place, so the crime was clearly perpetrated by a drunken man. I have not been entirely honest with you Watson, I came here not simply to have a drink with you, but to investigate this murder, and it seems I have solved the case remarkably quicker than I anticipated. An intoxicated man is not difficult to follow, I shall apprehend him and you shall get us two pints of their finest ale, which we shall not finish in a hurry!'

In 10 years they'll all have mortgages...

Saturday, May 26, 2011

Trent: "Mate, we're pretty much out of 'Red Stripe' "

Phil: "Really? Fucking arse wank."

Trent: "Yeah, man, fuck fucking up banks sober."

Phil: "Well just buy some more you cunt"

Trent: "Yeah fucking eh. Ahhhhhh bollocks"

Phil: "What?"

Trent: "I aint got no notes, eh"

Phil: "So? Go to the fucking cashpoint you dick"

Trent: "Mate, we fucked all the cashpoints"

Phil: "Aaaaaaah, gay"

Signs

'Papa' says boy.

'Yes?' says man.

'I have made a mess, I was stirring icing and covered my hands. I wiped it all off onto a towel. Is that okay?'

Man scratches his chin. 'There is no mess? For we must be conscious of germs spreading.'

Boy shows his hands, 'they are clean.'

Man breathes a sigh of relief, but out of the corner of his eye he spies a sign;

NOW WASH YOUR HANDS

'My son!' He exclaims. 'The sign!'

Boy spins around in alarm. 'What sign?'

'Observe' cries man pointing with the utmost fervour.

Boy's lips silently speak the words of the sign. 'Must I wash my hands? They are clean.'

'You must!' Speaks man. Regard the sign!

Boy waddles intently to the washbasin and turns the tap on. His eyes glance down. His face turns to one of horror. 'Papa, there is no soap!' he says.

Man pauses, and raises his rigid claws toward his face. 'My word' he whispers. 'We must not delay. The sign. We must purchase soap!'

Within seconds they have slammed their front door behind them are bounding with intent down the quiet street. Man uses their journey to express the importance of signs. 'They are in place all over' he says. 'They explain to us exactly what we should do in absolutely every situation. As a result, of course, we must not look for ways around not being able to honour them. We must honour them.'

'All of them?' asks boy.

'All of them. Keep calm and carry on. Turn left here, stop. Here is the road.'

The two of them stand by the empty road. There is danger on neither side, but man has observed the pedestrian traffic light and the red, motionless man glares back at him, silently urging them to remain still.

'Can we carry on?' Asks boy, who has noted the road's emptiness.

'No' replies man watching the unpopulated concrete. 'Do not cross, for the man is red. The sign'.

And thus they wait. Then the man on the sign turns green, indicating movement, as in the distance a curious rumbling becomes the shape of a truck, helmed by a suicidal drunk driver, hurtling toward them.

'Now it is okay' says man, as they step blissfully into the path of the relentless vehicle and end their journey for ever after.

Suicide Day Backfires

Thousands take own lives in 'whoopsy' act of societal recursion

Last Monday was, officially, the most depressing day of the year based upon a collected selection of factors ranging from winter blues, holiday weight-gain and accumulated debts. The so-called 'suicide day' falls annually upon the third Monday in January and is calculated as being the pinnacle point of the year in which all of these depressing factors overlap.

By Tuesday morning, however, the after-effects were looking slightly more startling than usual.

Police records have shown that suicide death rates in Britain were up by approximately eight and a half thousand on last year's toll, which in fact totalled around thirty-nine. Frantic research was undertaken immediately to determine the cause of this dramatic rise and results published on Wednesday seem to have deduced the reason for this.

Speaking at the University College School of Psychology, London, Professor Greg Eastwick said, 'sometimes people do things because they're told to.'

Elaborating further, the esteemed head of the department explained 'you know when you say "don't think of pink elephants", and then people think of pink elephants? Like that.'

When asked what Professor Eastwick actually meant, he responded 'I think everyone commited suicide because they were told they were going to. So whether or not they actually had any overwhelming personal problems, their subconscious told them they should be honouring the day. Its similar to how people caused a recession just by believing that there was a recession, becuase they stopped spending money. Monday was the most depressing day of the year because we were told it was going to be. Society can have its off days.'

Sales and Marketing clerk James Avon, 32, who survived an attempted suicide on Monday, said 'I just couldn't pay the rent. Because everyone at the bank had killed themselves.' When asked if there were any long term problems that he had been suffering from, Avon replied 'No.'

Sarah Gayton, a barmaid living in Hornsey whose assistant manager Irene was found dead on Tuesday morning, said 'we were behind the bar, it was a quiet Monday lunchtime so we were chatting to the regulars. Suddenly someone said "did you know today is the most depressing day of the year?" suddenly Irene stormed out without saying a word. The next day I heard she had killed herself. I didn't understand it, she seemed fine. I wanted to die too, which is wierd because I usually want to live.'

This phenomenon is known as 'Recursion', when an event causes itself.

The government has revealed that 'serious plans' are being made to prepare for the next Friday the 13th.

In light of Monday's tragedy, society is considering not telling people when to be miserable.

Snow Destroys Christmas

Stay at home families bollocked by expected winterval

Domestic stay at home families were devestated yesterday by news that their Christmases would be put on hold by torrential snow conditions that would not relent in the south of England.

Following news that foreigners planning on travelling back home via flight or eurotunnel were preparing for festive disappointment, it now emerges that families without Christmas travel plans have been crippled and, as it were, 'Scrooged' by the unrelenting 'big freeze.'

To elaborate, families that have or had no intention of leaving home at Christmas have had their plans undercut by the dreaded 'White Christmas.' Snowfall infiltrating homes via ill-advised open windows, or exceptionally vented draught areas have rendered Christmas obsolete for those supposedly 'clued up' by staying in this festive season and planning on going safely downstairs in the morning.

Jack Gregson, 45, of Chatham, said 'This is bollocks. I was all geared up for heading downstairs on Xmas (he said Xmas we didn't abbreviate) but the godforsaken snow made that completely impossible.' Gregson went on to explain that snow on his stairs was too dangerous for him or his family to walk down, thus having to miss Christmas in the downstairs living room.

'We couldn't make it to our living room' Gregson continued. 'We had to spend Christmas day on the upstairs landing. All I could do for my kids is tell them what presents they had. They are heartbroken.'

'Scrooge, in Dickens' famous story, asked "what's today?" Now my kids don't know what the fuck day it is thanks very much to mr. Bing Crosby's beloved bloody snow.'

In light of Mr and Mrs Gregson's revelations, this column can reveal that an alarmingly large number of families had their Christmases ruined by attempting to stay at home. Ed Balls and Vince Cable (Cable and Balls) said that 'serious investigations' are being undertaken regarding unsafe, icy, domestic staircase conditions.

This is not in fact the first time that torrential snow has ruined Christmas, for the last several decades, Christmas has been reported as being ruined by the absence of snow. Because all the songs said there should be snow. Plans are currently being made to revise the atmospheric themes of new festive carols.

An impartial observer remarked, 'its like that bit in Angela's Ashes'. This reporter is exempt from accusations of plaigarism.

Panda Rally Riot

Animal Rights protestors storm 'Save the Panda' rally

Fervent animal rights group PETA stormed a peaceful 'save the Panda' event in America's Chicago Zoo, causing several injuries and expensive damage to property, horrified witnesses reported yesterday.

The group, led by Steven Fedora of Connecticut, infiltrated the peaceful event, organized to raise money to aid the endangered species, brandishing placards bearing messages such as 'PETA loves PANDA' and 'Who the f-k are you to tell Panda what to do?'

Fedora, in a statement released prior to the gatecrashing, said 'Pandas are an endangered species, and evolutionary evidence has clearly shown that that's just the way they like it. Pandas don't have sex and thus clearly want their species to die out. Who are we, as human beings, to deny that right to them? To urge people to "save the Panda" is to keep them alive against their will, which is bordering on fascism.'

Daniel Curran, deputy manager of the Chicago Zoo Endangered Species Programme, speaking after the carnage, said 'I thought PETA liked animals. Oh well.'

Fedora responded, 'PETA love animals. We are an animal rights group, we feel that no animal should be denied any right that they are entitled to. We smile when a Panda dies just as we smile when a tortured bull mauls a matador to death. Animals shouldn't be subdued by mankind. I've eaten Panda, its alright.'

PETA stormed the zoo, yelling 'let them have the right to die' as well as numerous profanities, physically attacking zoo keepers, visitors and at least one child. The Panda enclosure suffered severe damage and is now closed until further notice. No Pandas were harmed though.

Fedora said 'we feel the event may have taken a somewhat violent turn but we also feel that our voices were heard and our message was understood.'

PETA stage protests and events on regular occasions. An inquest is to be held with regards to the vandalism and injuries caused.