In 10 years they'll all have mortgages...

Saturday, May 26, 2011

Trent: "Mate, we're pretty much out of 'Red Stripe' "

Phil: "Really? Fucking arse wank."

Trent: "Yeah, man, fuck fucking up banks sober."

Phil: "Well just buy some more you cunt"

Trent: "Yeah fucking eh. Ahhhhhh bollocks"

Phil: "What?"

Trent: "I aint got no notes, eh"

Phil: "So? Go to the fucking cashpoint you dick"

Trent: "Mate, we fucked all the cashpoints"

Phil: "Aaaaaaah, gay"

Signs

'Papa' says boy.

'Yes?' says man.

'I have made a mess, I was stirring icing and covered my hands. I wiped it all off onto a towel. Is that okay?'

Man scratches his chin. 'There is no mess? For we must be conscious of germs spreading.'

Boy shows his hands, 'they are clean.'

Man breathes a sigh of relief, but out of the corner of his eye he spies a sign;

NOW WASH YOUR HANDS

'My son!' He exclaims. 'The sign!'

Boy spins around in alarm. 'What sign?'

'Observe' cries man pointing with the utmost fervour.

Boy's lips silently speak the words of the sign. 'Must I wash my hands? They are clean.'

'You must!' Speaks man. Regard the sign!

Boy waddles intently to the washbasin and turns the tap on. His eyes glance down. His face turns to one of horror. 'Papa, there is no soap!' he says.

Man pauses, and raises his rigid claws toward his face. 'My word' he whispers. 'We must not delay. The sign. We must purchase soap!'

Within seconds they have slammed their front door behind them are bounding with intent down the quiet street. Man uses their journey to express the importance of signs. 'They are in place all over' he says. 'They explain to us exactly what we should do in absolutely every situation. As a result, of course, we must not look for ways around not being able to honour them. We must honour them.'

'All of them?' asks boy.

'All of them. Keep calm and carry on. Turn left here, stop. Here is the road.'

The two of them stand by the empty road. There is danger on neither side, but man has observed the pedestrian traffic light and the red, motionless man glares back at him, silently urging them to remain still.

'Can we carry on?' Asks boy, who has noted the road's emptiness.

'No' replies man watching the unpopulated concrete. 'Do not cross, for the man is red. The sign'.

And thus they wait. Then the man on the sign turns green, indicating movement, as in the distance a curious rumbling becomes the shape of a truck, helmed by a suicidal drunk driver, hurtling toward them.

'Now it is okay' says man, as they step blissfully into the path of the relentless vehicle and end their journey for ever after.

Suicide Day Backfires

Thousands take own lives in 'whoopsy' act of societal recursion

Last Monday was, officially, the most depressing day of the year based upon a collected selection of factors ranging from winter blues, holiday weight-gain and accumulated debts. The so-called 'suicide day' falls annually upon the third Monday in January and is calculated as being the pinnacle point of the year in which all of these depressing factors overlap.

By Tuesday morning, however, the after-effects were looking slightly more startling than usual.

Police records have shown that suicide death rates in Britain were up by approximately eight and a half thousand on last year's toll, which in fact totalled around thirty-nine. Frantic research was undertaken immediately to determine the cause of this dramatic rise and results published on Wednesday seem to have deduced the reason for this.

Speaking at the University College School of Psychology, London, Professor Greg Eastwick said, 'sometimes people do things because they're told to.'

Elaborating further, the esteemed head of the department explained 'you know when you say "don't think of pink elephants", and then people think of pink elephants? Like that.'

When asked what Professor Eastwick actually meant, he responded 'I think everyone commited suicide because they were told they were going to. So whether or not they actually had any overwhelming personal problems, their subconscious told them they should be honouring the day. Its similar to how people caused a recession just by believing that there was a recession, becuase they stopped spending money. Monday was the most depressing day of the year because we were told it was going to be. Society can have its off days.'

Sales and Marketing clerk James Avon, 32, who survived an attempted suicide on Monday, said 'I just couldn't pay the rent. Because everyone at the bank had killed themselves.' When asked if there were any long term problems that he had been suffering from, Avon replied 'No.'

Sarah Gayton, a barmaid living in Hornsey whose assistant manager Irene was found dead on Tuesday morning, said 'we were behind the bar, it was a quiet Monday lunchtime so we were chatting to the regulars. Suddenly someone said "did you know today is the most depressing day of the year?" suddenly Irene stormed out without saying a word. The next day I heard she had killed herself. I didn't understand it, she seemed fine. I wanted to die too, which is wierd because I usually want to live.'

This phenomenon is known as 'Recursion', when an event causes itself.

The government has revealed that 'serious plans' are being made to prepare for the next Friday the 13th.

In light of Monday's tragedy, society is considering not telling people when to be miserable.

Snow Destroys Christmas

Stay at home families bollocked by expected winterval

Domestic stay at home families were devestated yesterday by news that their Christmases would be put on hold by torrential snow conditions that would not relent in the south of England.

Following news that foreigners planning on travelling back home via flight or eurotunnel were preparing for festive disappointment, it now emerges that families without Christmas travel plans have been crippled and, as it were, 'Scrooged' by the unrelenting 'big freeze.'

To elaborate, families that have or had no intention of leaving home at Christmas have had their plans undercut by the dreaded 'White Christmas.' Snowfall infiltrating homes via ill-advised open windows, or exceptionally vented draught areas have rendered Christmas obsolete for those supposedly 'clued up' by staying in this festive season and planning on going safely downstairs in the morning.

Jack Gregson, 45, of Chatham, said 'This is bollocks. I was all geared up for heading downstairs on Xmas (he said Xmas we didn't abbreviate) but the godforsaken snow made that completely impossible.' Gregson went on to explain that snow on his stairs was too dangerous for him or his family to walk down, thus having to miss Christmas in the downstairs living room.

'We couldn't make it to our living room' Gregson continued. 'We had to spend Christmas day on the upstairs landing. All I could do for my kids is tell them what presents they had. They are heartbroken.'

'Scrooge, in Dickens' famous story, asked "what's today?" Now my kids don't know what the fuck day it is thanks very much to mr. Bing Crosby's beloved bloody snow.'

In light of Mr and Mrs Gregson's revelations, this column can reveal that an alarmingly large number of families had their Christmases ruined by attempting to stay at home. Ed Balls and Vince Cable (Cable and Balls) said that 'serious investigations' are being undertaken regarding unsafe, icy, domestic staircase conditions.

This is not in fact the first time that torrential snow has ruined Christmas, for the last several decades, Christmas has been reported as being ruined by the absence of snow. Because all the songs said there should be snow. Plans are currently being made to revise the atmospheric themes of new festive carols.

An impartial observer remarked, 'its like that bit in Angela's Ashes'. This reporter is exempt from accusations of plaigarism.

Panda Rally Riot

Animal Rights protestors storm 'Save the Panda' rally

Fervent animal rights group PETA stormed a peaceful 'save the Panda' event in America's Chicago Zoo, causing several injuries and expensive damage to property, horrified witnesses reported yesterday.

The group, led by Steven Fedora of Connecticut, infiltrated the peaceful event, organized to raise money to aid the endangered species, brandishing placards bearing messages such as 'PETA loves PANDA' and 'Who the f-k are you to tell Panda what to do?'

Fedora, in a statement released prior to the gatecrashing, said 'Pandas are an endangered species, and evolutionary evidence has clearly shown that that's just the way they like it. Pandas don't have sex and thus clearly want their species to die out. Who are we, as human beings, to deny that right to them? To urge people to "save the Panda" is to keep them alive against their will, which is bordering on fascism.'

Daniel Curran, deputy manager of the Chicago Zoo Endangered Species Programme, speaking after the carnage, said 'I thought PETA liked animals. Oh well.'

Fedora responded, 'PETA love animals. We are an animal rights group, we feel that no animal should be denied any right that they are entitled to. We smile when a Panda dies just as we smile when a tortured bull mauls a matador to death. Animals shouldn't be subdued by mankind. I've eaten Panda, its alright.'

PETA stormed the zoo, yelling 'let them have the right to die' as well as numerous profanities, physically attacking zoo keepers, visitors and at least one child. The Panda enclosure suffered severe damage and is now closed until further notice. No Pandas were harmed though.

Fedora said 'we feel the event may have taken a somewhat violent turn but we also feel that our voices were heard and our message was understood.'

PETA stage protests and events on regular occasions. An inquest is to be held with regards to the vandalism and injuries caused.

"It's Only a Sentence"

So at the moment you don't have to go too far to find some debate or discussion about the Gordon Brown gaffe. Not without merit, of course, and its good to see the notion of British herd mentality somewhat dispelled by the variety of opposing reactions. However, there is one particular reaction that demonstrates the most detestable, absent-minded pseudo-intellectual way of thinking. "It's only a sentence", "people are over reacting" and variations thereupon. This is a stock response that crops up at every major news story. Jordan and Peter divorce; so what? There are more important things happening. This is true, but the problem with this response is that it has become automated at the cost of actual thought. Is what Brown said "only a sentence?" Well of course, at face value. "Arbeit Macht Frei" is only a sentence, yet it evokes half a decade of genocide. "I have a dream" is only (part of) a sentence, yet it fuelled the biggest breakthough for human rights in history. "The force will be with you, always" is only a sentence, yet it gave demi-God status to a man who made three slightly cheesy sci-fi movies. What these airheaded backlashers have apparently completely failed to grasp that it is 'only' a sentence providing you take a totally superficial approach to words, not allowing for any word to resonate beyond its aesthetic impact.
"Bigoted woman" sounds horrible, especially when said about a pensioner who is only bigoted in the eyes of someone who believes expressing a slight concern about immigration is a bigoted view. In any other context, say for example a pub conversation turned heated and one participant branded the other a bigot, which I've seen happen plenty of times, a mass reaction would be an over reaction. But in this context, the key to the outrage being justified is the context of who the words were said by, and what they evoke. With 'only a sentence', Brown has made public what anyone with fully-functioning neural passages has always suspected, that the public face of a politician is not worth the steam off their piss. With 'only a sentence' Gordon Brown has more-or-less confirmed that he thinks anybody with differing opinions to his are bigoted, even his own supporters. In short, that minute or so of dialogue from inside the car has revealed that the current Prime Minster (and it would be arguably naive not to assume this also applies to the potential two) is a complete fraud, who has nothing in common with his public persona and has no faith in the intelligence of his supporters, the people who stuck by a man that nobody voted for and spent his years in power trying to get other people to tidy up the financial mess he helped make before he was in charge. As such, the reaction is more than justified, and not 'another example of the British dwelling on triviality' as somebody put it. If this is what a politician thinks of supporters with a slightly divergent regard for some of his values, what the hell does he think of the people who outright disagree with him? "Dogshit nazis conceived to fuel the coal-heap" is one option. Feel free to suggest others. Its only a sentence, and a sentence is all it takes to turn the world on its head.

The Con Man

Something has just hit me and it has made the world, particularly the political climate, make a little more sense for the time being.

I've been frustrated by the niggling annoyance that Conservative Party leader David Cameron reminds me of someone and I've finally worked it out, its BNP leader Nick Griffin. He has that same flat-toned, grating public school accent and tone of voice, similar eyes and his Hitlerian side-parting wobbles in the same way when he gets enthusiastic about something, bikes or whatever. But he ISN'T a quivering, obese blob.
Then it occured to me, and I can't quite believe it has taken this long, David Cameron IS Nick Griffin, albeit an alternate-reality Nick Griffin, albeit an alternate-reality Nick Griffin where said alternate-reality hasn't quite panned out as desired.
Mr. Griffin, several years in the near-future, has finally resigned himself to the fact that his "purge all the blacks, deny the holocaust, England for the racist" attitude hasn't quite won over as many Britons as he had hoped. So, taking into account that this is a future in which faster-than-light travel has been developed and time travel is a reality, decides to take a trip into the past to change the course of his actions and ensure global domination. Mr. Griffin arrives at Cambridge University in the Eighties, where he gives his young, past self some important advice. His young, past self of course immediately accepts that he is talking to himself from the future, because he isn't exactly prone to believing sensible concepts and himself is the only person he will ever properly relate to who isn't in several pieces in a Russian filing cabinet.
Future Mr. Griffin tells past Mr. Griffin first to change his name, because 'Nick Griffin' just sounds evil. David is a nice name and its befitting a world leader. He then ensures the newly-christened David that it might be a good idea not to let on, in his future political career, that he's a gay-hating racist. Also, if you want people to like you, you should probably stay in shape. No more scrounging the bins round the back of abortion clinics or vet's surgeries. Get yourself to the gym.
Unfortunately, something goes terribly wrong. Authorities find and seize Mr. Griffin's time-travel device, considering it hostile, alien technology and leaving Mr. Griffin stranded in his own past. But making the most out of a bad situation, Mr. Griffin devises a plan. Throughout the ensuing years, and leading gracefully into what we perceive as the present day, Mr. Griffin acts as both a secret advisor to his new, David Cameron shaped self and an unbelievably OTT extremist with absurdly racist views that have no grounding in any functionable democracy, in order to make Cameron look a lot more desirable by comparison. He tells Cameron that the best course of action will be to act like a liberal; this way he may sway some lefties disillusioned by the tory-like running of Blairite New Labour and the horrendous descent of national pride driven by the sad face of policy-less Gordon Brown, while also maintaining the vote of confused Tories who will say "well, he, er, talks a bit like a lefty but he wears a blue tie, so he must still be all for over-taxing the working classes and discouraging immigration, right?". Cameron then gradually potters about TV channels, convincing people he's one of the kids because he sometimes rides a bike and listens to the Killers, and for some unknown reason he wants to hug people that wear hoodies (Despite his quote taken from the Daily Mail: "I wouldn't wear one, fuck that."), gathering support from impressionable non-voters and, in the privacy of his own home, rubbing his hands together with glee as he and his future self see the the sexy advance of world-domination upon the horizon.
Meanwhile, future Nick Griffin hatches a plan to go on Question Time, sit among a panel of very intelligent people, and reiterate to the nation that he is most definitely an idiot, slightly overcompensating said idiocy by implying that he hangs around with KKK members and making fun of another panelist's dead dad. Seeing this, Cameron looks like The Second Coming in comparison.
The 2010 general election looms. Griffin tells Cameron to smear the word 'Change' all over his campaign promotional material, "cos it worked for that black fella in the States". Cameron and Griffin smugly watch (from Cameron's makeup room as he is being applied with a concentration of makeup that makes him look startlingly similar to Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation) as Gordon Brown does little but frown and huff around party political broadcasts and the Lib Dems continue to try and figure out what they actually stand for, while the votes for Cameron flood in.
Then Cameron wins. Britain gets Nick Griffin, but sexier and pretending not to be a right-wing fascist (for now).