You may notice that this blog isn't updated as regularly as it used to be. WELL SORRY I'VE WRITTEN THREE (count 'em), THREE NOVELS THIS YEAR WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME??
*breathes*....
Anyway, this year I actually got some writing work for proper websites with more than twelve regular readers. Aint that nice? And that's why I've written on this one a bit less. I've still got plenty of things to say that no respectable blog would publish in even their lowest moments, so don't worry about that. But here's a little list of things of mine other sites have put out.
For WhatCulture.com
A nerdy entertainment website that posts news about movies, TV, sport and video games. Naturally I write about Doctor Who and comic book movies...
- Doctor Who: 5 Reasons Blink is the Modern Day An Unearthly Child
I'm proud of this because it was published on the weekend of Doctor Who's 50th anniversary, and being a comparison of the first ever episode and the most acclaimed episode of the revived series, it's almost relevant to the celebrations.
- Why Thor: The Dark World is the cinematic Game of Thrones
Something I was expecting to notice about the aforementioned comic book movie and fantasy TV series, given that they share the same director and high concentration of nerd-lore.
For BiographyUK
A history blog run by a friend of mine, which specialises in bitesize articles about British historical celebrities. I pitch an article to her whenever I walk past a blue plaque or interesting little landmark that takes my fancy.
- John Snow: Physician (1813 - 1858)
Discovered that cholera is a waterborne disease and lived in Soho
- Percy Bysshe Shelley (1792 - 1822)
Poet, husband of Mary and science nerd.
- Kitty Jay (c.18th Century)
A poor, disgraced farmhand whose grave lies on a crossroads in Dartmoor
Friday 29 November 2013
Sunday 3 November 2013
Five Mismatched Showdowns That Would be More Entertaining Than 'Batman VS. Superman'
Anyone able to refer to their braincells as plural should know that Batman and Superman are about as equal in terms of physical strength as custard and Hobnobs. While Batman, in his latest cinematic outing, was seriously incapacitated by a fat bloke in a Goatse mask, Superman reacts to a bullet in the face like Ray Mears reacts to a light breeze. He can prevent a plane crash with little more than a decent catch and a big enough patch of land to put it down on, and can turn men to bony-ash with a single angry stare. In fact, in his latest cinematic outing, and indeed as the very same incarnation of the character that is due to go toe-to-toe with the Dark Knight in 2015, Superman faced who is arguably his deadliest foe, General Zod - a Kryptonian war general who is every bit as powerful as the Man of Steel but with pissed off and homicidal thrown into the mix. And Superman snapped his neck in front of a scared family. So while we anticipate Ben Affleck's cowled Batman fruitlessly hurling batarangs into Kal-El's laser-death-stare, here are five more potential showdowns between iconic characters that are just as hilariously mismatched.
1. Charlie Brown VS. Megatron
Who Are They?
Charlie Brown; morose child creation of the legendary Charles Schultz, who spends his chilled winter days musing introspectively upon a grey brick wall and willfully ignoring the incoherent, trumpeted advice of his disassociated elders.
Megatron; gargantuan robotic leader of the evil Decepticons; a malevolent race of shape-changing, sentient robots from the planet Cybertron, hell-bent on monopolising the universe to their fascist will. Has the ability to transform into either a tank, a canon or a Cybertronian jet, depending on the incarnation.
What Would Happen?
As Megatron is technically an adult due to his being several thousand years old, his threats to young Master Brown would be unrecognisably filtered through a barrage of nonsensical, muted trumpet sounds. It would make little difference though, as while Charlie attempts to muse melancholic upon an inventive way to fell the robot overlord, Megatron would assume the shape of one of his deadly, military arsenal and blow the introverted eight-year-old to hell. Or simply step on him.
2. The Goonies VS. 'It'
Who Are They?
The Goonies; an intrepid band of adventurous children who can traverse perilous caverns and 'Never Say Die.'
'It'; Stephen King's literary embodiment of pure fear, incarnated famously as a sinister, child-snatching clown with Tim Curry's baritone drawl.
What Would Happen?
While the courageous Goonies are adept at venturing head first into dark places, 'It' is equally as adept at luring children into said dark places. Remember how awestruck those kids were when they first saw that long lost pirate ship? That just goes to show that, seldom as they may say die, they are still just kids, impressed by the sorts of things kids are impressed by. Now what if a jolly old clown was waiting for them in that cave? Or six clowns, carrying a tub of chocolate fudge brownie Ben 'n Jerry's the size of a rabbit hutch, while juggling pokemon? 'It' has been seen thwarting an eager child with nothing more than a paper boat and some balloons. Yeah. These kids won't know what hit them.
3. Ian Malcolm VS. Anton Chigurh
Who Are They?
Ian Malcolm; sarcastic, quick-witted practitioner of Chaos Theory, often seen in black leather and shades, running away from dinosaurs.
Anton Chigurh; the towering, solitary killing machine of Cormac McCarthy's No Country For Old Men and the Cohen Brothers' film of the same name. Exists solely to carry out his hit, which he invariably always achieves via a fatal blow to the head from a CO2 canister. Has claimed the lives of Josh Brolin and Woody Harrelson without breaking a sweat.
What Would Happen?
While Dr. Malcolm has survived Tyrannosaurs, Velociraptors and Vince Vaughan, he has fared less well against his contemporaries on the mainland. A zealous critic sharing the same subway carriage as the put-out doctor rendered him speechless with little more than a lazy dinosaur impression, for example. With that in mind, should he be placed in Anton Chigurh's line of fire for whatever reason, it is likely that the only things standing between Malcolm and a sure-fire death-blow to the skull are a brisk jog and one or two snarky quips. Chigurh would then follow up his success by taking out a Compsognathus or two, just for trying to slow him down.
4. Anakin Skywalker (aged 9) VS. Darth Vader.
Who Are They?
Anakin Skywalker; nine-year-old Tatooinian slave boy, fond podracer and pioneer of the terms 'yippee' and 'wizard', destined to become a seven-foot, leather-clad, murdering space Nazi.
Darth Vader; seven-foot, leather-clad, murdering space Nazi who can strangle people to death from the other end of the room and who dislikes talking about his childhood.
What Would Happen?
Time travel has yet to be employed as a narrative device in the Star Wars universe, but with Lost and Star Trek's JJ Abrams helming the next installment, it can't be far off. Put out by the damage The Phantom Menace has done to his all-powerful, ominous reputation, Lord Vader finds a way to travel back to his own beginnings. Several days before the Jedi arrive in Mos Espa to liberate young Skywalker and set about inadvertently causing their own extinction, the adult Vader turns up with the intention to take out his snotty, irritating young self. Vader has no qualms about the damage this may do to the space-time continuum, as blinking himself out of existence by employment of the Grandfather Paradox would be the lesser of two evils when compared with spending the rest of one's life being intermittently reminded what an obnoxious little twerp you used to be. Baby Anakin, being unknowingly skillful with the force, would hold his own for a surprisingly longer time than you'd assume, but his geeky piloting skills ultimately get him nowhere against a swift burst of force lightning finished off with a heavy air-choke. As Vader begins to fade from existence, akin to Marty McFly's picture in Back to the Future, he thinks to himself; 'And now Hayden Christensen will never happen either,' which can only be a good thing.
5. Buzz Lightyear VS. Pazuzu
Who Are They?
Buzz Lightyear; sentient toy spaceman and proud owner of retractable plastic wings.
Pazuzu; omnipotent body-hopping demon of Exorcist fame. Can materialise wherever it chooses and can mimic any person, living or dead. Has harassed efficient priests to death and is champion of Satan's Hellish Horde, if he isn't in fact The Devil Himself.
What Would Happen?
The jury is still out on just how sinister the motive for the Toy Story toys' sentience is, with some even citing the magical ether from Pixar's Brave as the force behind their waking life. Nonetheless, the ability to freeze upon the approach of an excited child somewhat pales in comparison to Pazuzu's knack for invading and desecrating the minds of even the most morally pure of human beings.
Buzz, being himself possessed by a fantastical force, may well already be aware of Pazuzu's festering presence, and as such would likely rally his band of plastic misfits together to conjure up a plan to stop him. Unfortunately, Rex's gradually improving dinosaur roar and Buzz's ability to pretend to fly do little to hinder the efforts of a non-corporeal entity that can exact brutal punishment from the safety of a tangent realm. Well-meaning toys are either flung helplessly to the wall or flattened by moving furniture while Buzz ineffectually fires his LED laser beam at various, empty corners of the room in a vain attempt to vanquish the unseen demon. As a final insult, Andy's mother, entering the horrific bedchamber through panicked curiosity, is immediately possessed by Pazuzu and amidst an inhuman screech of unrepeatable profanity, Buzz's petrified head is forced violently into an orifice that it will never recover from. You've got a friend in me, indeed.
1. Charlie Brown VS. Megatron
Who Are They?
Charlie Brown; morose child creation of the legendary Charles Schultz, who spends his chilled winter days musing introspectively upon a grey brick wall and willfully ignoring the incoherent, trumpeted advice of his disassociated elders.
Megatron; gargantuan robotic leader of the evil Decepticons; a malevolent race of shape-changing, sentient robots from the planet Cybertron, hell-bent on monopolising the universe to their fascist will. Has the ability to transform into either a tank, a canon or a Cybertronian jet, depending on the incarnation.
What Would Happen?
As Megatron is technically an adult due to his being several thousand years old, his threats to young Master Brown would be unrecognisably filtered through a barrage of nonsensical, muted trumpet sounds. It would make little difference though, as while Charlie attempts to muse melancholic upon an inventive way to fell the robot overlord, Megatron would assume the shape of one of his deadly, military arsenal and blow the introverted eight-year-old to hell. Or simply step on him.
2. The Goonies VS. 'It'
Who Are They?
The Goonies; an intrepid band of adventurous children who can traverse perilous caverns and 'Never Say Die.'
'It'; Stephen King's literary embodiment of pure fear, incarnated famously as a sinister, child-snatching clown with Tim Curry's baritone drawl.
What Would Happen?
While the courageous Goonies are adept at venturing head first into dark places, 'It' is equally as adept at luring children into said dark places. Remember how awestruck those kids were when they first saw that long lost pirate ship? That just goes to show that, seldom as they may say die, they are still just kids, impressed by the sorts of things kids are impressed by. Now what if a jolly old clown was waiting for them in that cave? Or six clowns, carrying a tub of chocolate fudge brownie Ben 'n Jerry's the size of a rabbit hutch, while juggling pokemon? 'It' has been seen thwarting an eager child with nothing more than a paper boat and some balloons. Yeah. These kids won't know what hit them.
3. Ian Malcolm VS. Anton Chigurh
Who Are They?
Ian Malcolm; sarcastic, quick-witted practitioner of Chaos Theory, often seen in black leather and shades, running away from dinosaurs.
Anton Chigurh; the towering, solitary killing machine of Cormac McCarthy's No Country For Old Men and the Cohen Brothers' film of the same name. Exists solely to carry out his hit, which he invariably always achieves via a fatal blow to the head from a CO2 canister. Has claimed the lives of Josh Brolin and Woody Harrelson without breaking a sweat.
What Would Happen?
While Dr. Malcolm has survived Tyrannosaurs, Velociraptors and Vince Vaughan, he has fared less well against his contemporaries on the mainland. A zealous critic sharing the same subway carriage as the put-out doctor rendered him speechless with little more than a lazy dinosaur impression, for example. With that in mind, should he be placed in Anton Chigurh's line of fire for whatever reason, it is likely that the only things standing between Malcolm and a sure-fire death-blow to the skull are a brisk jog and one or two snarky quips. Chigurh would then follow up his success by taking out a Compsognathus or two, just for trying to slow him down.
4. Anakin Skywalker (aged 9) VS. Darth Vader.
Who Are They?
Anakin Skywalker; nine-year-old Tatooinian slave boy, fond podracer and pioneer of the terms 'yippee' and 'wizard', destined to become a seven-foot, leather-clad, murdering space Nazi.
Darth Vader; seven-foot, leather-clad, murdering space Nazi who can strangle people to death from the other end of the room and who dislikes talking about his childhood.
What Would Happen?
Time travel has yet to be employed as a narrative device in the Star Wars universe, but with Lost and Star Trek's JJ Abrams helming the next installment, it can't be far off. Put out by the damage The Phantom Menace has done to his all-powerful, ominous reputation, Lord Vader finds a way to travel back to his own beginnings. Several days before the Jedi arrive in Mos Espa to liberate young Skywalker and set about inadvertently causing their own extinction, the adult Vader turns up with the intention to take out his snotty, irritating young self. Vader has no qualms about the damage this may do to the space-time continuum, as blinking himself out of existence by employment of the Grandfather Paradox would be the lesser of two evils when compared with spending the rest of one's life being intermittently reminded what an obnoxious little twerp you used to be. Baby Anakin, being unknowingly skillful with the force, would hold his own for a surprisingly longer time than you'd assume, but his geeky piloting skills ultimately get him nowhere against a swift burst of force lightning finished off with a heavy air-choke. As Vader begins to fade from existence, akin to Marty McFly's picture in Back to the Future, he thinks to himself; 'And now Hayden Christensen will never happen either,' which can only be a good thing.
5. Buzz Lightyear VS. Pazuzu
Who Are They?
Buzz Lightyear; sentient toy spaceman and proud owner of retractable plastic wings.
Pazuzu; omnipotent body-hopping demon of Exorcist fame. Can materialise wherever it chooses and can mimic any person, living or dead. Has harassed efficient priests to death and is champion of Satan's Hellish Horde, if he isn't in fact The Devil Himself.
What Would Happen?
The jury is still out on just how sinister the motive for the Toy Story toys' sentience is, with some even citing the magical ether from Pixar's Brave as the force behind their waking life. Nonetheless, the ability to freeze upon the approach of an excited child somewhat pales in comparison to Pazuzu's knack for invading and desecrating the minds of even the most morally pure of human beings.
Buzz, being himself possessed by a fantastical force, may well already be aware of Pazuzu's festering presence, and as such would likely rally his band of plastic misfits together to conjure up a plan to stop him. Unfortunately, Rex's gradually improving dinosaur roar and Buzz's ability to pretend to fly do little to hinder the efforts of a non-corporeal entity that can exact brutal punishment from the safety of a tangent realm. Well-meaning toys are either flung helplessly to the wall or flattened by moving furniture while Buzz ineffectually fires his LED laser beam at various, empty corners of the room in a vain attempt to vanquish the unseen demon. As a final insult, Andy's mother, entering the horrific bedchamber through panicked curiosity, is immediately possessed by Pazuzu and amidst an inhuman screech of unrepeatable profanity, Buzz's petrified head is forced violently into an orifice that it will never recover from. You've got a friend in me, indeed.
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