The Adventure of the Exploding Detective

In which Sherlock Holmes is blown to pieces by his own reputation.  Its a bit tongue in cheek (to say the least) and, like my last Sherlock Holmes short, more of a singular event within an adventure than an entire story

It had been a full month since the shocking re-emergence of Professor Moriarty, discovered through a slip-up by one of his subordinates (who promptly vanished).  Accordingly, it had been a full three weeks and six days since the return of my friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes to London, following his retirement in Surrey.
Of course, we now realised how absurd it had been for us to assume that Moriarty had himself tumbled over the falls of Reichenbach on that fateful afternoon in 1891.  The man who so famously remained off stage in his criminal dealings, personally entering into a game of combat with his arch nemesis atop a thundering waterfall?  It was now so painfully obvious that he had sent an imposter, and that my friend had never in fact met Moriarty.  Holmes had spent many sleepless nights punishing himself for what he referred to as his 'abnormally human error'.
With the accused so long assumed dead, the arduous enquiries into Moriarty's criminal career had understandably been abandoned, and the campaign process to have them reopened was proving to be slow.  So Sherlock Holmes promptly set in motion his plan to once again bring down the 'Napoleon of Crime.'  He swiftly resumed residence at our old address and managed to once again rope me into his adventure.
One afternoon, Mrs. Hudson appeared in the doorway of our Baker Street lounge, clutching an envelope marked for the attention of Sherlock Holmes.  Upon one split-second glance in its direction, Holmes immediately sprang to his feet and snatched it.
'It is him' he groaned.
'How can you be sure?' said I
'The envelope is of the same type used the last time Moriarty sent me a warning.'
'Ah yes' I replied.  'That shocking business concerning the Valley of Fear.'
'Precisely.  Let us see what my sinister pen-friend has to tell me this time.'
He opened the letter, pulled the note from the envelope and, after speed-reading it, dropped it on the table. 
'The same, unusually thick type of paper used before' he said.
It read;

In the bustling centre
Between a house of faces and its Greatest
A London Monument lights up.

'Trafalgar Square' my friend exclaimed.  'He means to blow up Nelson's Column!'
'How do you deduce that?' I asked.
' "A house of faces and its Greatest" ', Holmes repeated.  'The 'house of faces' was rather obscure to decipher, but London's greatest face?'
'Big Ben!' Said I.  'The clock face.'
'Yes.  And what other 'house of faces' could he refer to, which faces Big Ben?'
'I'm not sure.'
'It could only be the Portrait Gallery which sits on Trafalgar Square staring down Whitehall, at the clock face.  So that leaves Nelson's Column as the London Monument.'
'But why would he blow it up?' I asked.  'Its an old, unpopulated statue.  What would he gain?'
'Fear' replied Holmes.  'He's spent years in the dark, meticuously gaining the allies and assets required to pull this off.  If he can orchestrate such an attack without having been thwarted thus far, he will have secured his long-coveted reputation as the world's greatest criminal mastermind.  I have considered him such for many a year, but alas the world does not take my word as seriously as it should.'
'You are more celebrated than you think you are' I remarked.  It was true, in the many years since his emergence as the world's only consulting detective, Sherlock Holmes had gradually achieved national celebrity through his incredible crime-solving skills and my regular reports of them.  He had, by his rather old age, become something of a London Monument himself.
Holmes waved in dismissal of my compliment and turned for the door.  The long years had not dampened his youthful energy.  'One more adventure' he beamed.  'Coming, Watson?'
I followed him out of 221b for the final time and jumped hastily into a hansom that he had hailed moments before.  At that we were bounding down Baker Street post haste to Trafalgar Square.

The Square seemed calm as usual, but knowing what was imminent only served to render that calm eery and ominous.  A lone bagpiper played on at the foot of the steps to the gallery, his disjointed, airy tune adding a chilling score to our endeavour.  Holmes strode through the Square to Nelson's Column, which he then began to scrutinise from every possible angle, dropping to his hands and knees and enthusiastically feeling the stone all around, squinting through his study.  I watched in anxiety from a distance as he returned.
'Nothing' he groaned.  'No sign of gunpowder or any tampering.  How is he doing this?'
I tried in vain to supply alternative theories.  'Perhaps the explosives are inside?'
'Impossible' replied Holmes.  'At least without producing tell-tale signs on the outside.'
'Maybe Moriarty has bombers positioned in the surrounding area?' I continued.
Holmes shook his head.  'There are few people here' he said.  'And nobody close enough is carrying anything that could conceal a bomb, anyone further wouldn't have the range.  He'd have to-'
Holmes stopped, mid-sentence.  'Of course!' he shouted.  'Watson, check over there.' He gestured toward a side-street leading to Charing Cross station.  'Watch for anyone suspicious-looking and report back immediately.'
I obeyed my friend and started down the street, curious as to his intentions.  I turned and looked back, expecting to see him hard at work once again, analysing every inch of the surrounding area for a clue he may have missed.  Instead, he simply stood there, head lowered, clutching what appeared to be Moriarty's note.
Then it dawned on me.
No sign of any explosives.  The unusually thick piece of paper.  Then the most unbearably obvious clue of all; A London Monument Lights up.  Moriarty had never intended to destroy Nelson's Column.  As I initially asked, what would be the point?  It was merely a red herring, a false hint to get Holmes exactly where he wanted him, tricking the world's greatest detective with his own obsession for complex puzzles.
Holmes was the London monument.  'You are more celebrated than you think you are' I had said earlier that day, and I have punished myself daily ever since for not making the link then.
All of this passed through my mind in seconds.  Then it happened.
The sound was deafening, and it threw me to the ground, sparing me from the most terrible of sights to behold.  My friend was blown to smithereens.  No corpse remained, no shape of what was my friend moments before.  Only bits of him.
It had already dawned on Holmes, the moment he asked me to check the side street.  He was simply getting me to safety.  There was no time for him to discard the bomb, concealed in the paper and triggered in a way that remains a mystery.  Then his 'One last adventure' remark from earlier in the day occured to me.  Had he already known his days were numbered or did he simply assume he'd finally beat Moriarty and retire for good?  I'd never know.
A day or so later, reports came of Holmes' deerstalker cap being found atop the head of Nelson, presumably from the explosion.  Although strangely I don't remember him ever wearing it.
It wasn't long before Professor Moriarty was linked to the crime and executed for it.  But he went to the gallows a happy man, having outsmarted and defeated his rival in his final act of criminal mastery.  No punishment could this world ever inflict upon him.  It was never found out why he didn't simply detonate the bomb at Baker Street when we received it, although I suppose he wanted Holmes' defeat to be public, or else he wanted me alive to suffer it.
Sherlock Holmes was dead, slain by one of the few things that eluded him; how much he meant to the world.

Why I don't believe in God.

Whenever I am asked if I believe in God, my mind becomes clouded with the myriad reasons why I don't and, verbally at least, my argument comes accross as insecure and ill-informed.  I'm frustrated by the question, as it is my choice and an individual's personal belief (or lack thereof) shouldn't be cause for concern to anybody else.  As the simplest answer; "because I don't have to" is clearly not sufficient, here are my reasons.  Some of them may be familiar from other sources but that only affirms that they stand up.  It is quite ironic that people following a faith that denies evidence and reason should ask me to back up my reasons, but there you go.  I hate religious debate (we've developed the cognitive skills and reason to overcome religious brainwashing yet it still exists) and hopefully this will be the end of it for anyone unhappy with my atheism.

- The idea of absolute power doesn't hold up to any logic or scrutiny.  If God was all powerful (bear in mind all powerful means limitless in ability) then he could conjure a rock that was so heavy, no being (divine or mortal) could move it.  This includes God.  In which case, if God could not move that rock, then he is not all-powerful.  Alternatively, if God could move any rock regardless of its weight, then it would be impossible for him to create one that he is unable to move.  Again this defies limitless ability.
- Humanity's obsession with design and purpose is what lead to the invention of God.  We have evolved our minds to the point where they have begun to over-think, and the concept of being on Earth for no real reason other to live and die is discomforting.  Like all other species, we can create life.  However, unlike all other species, we are sentient, reasonable and imaginative beings.  Combined with our natural ego-centricity, the concept that we must have been created by a conscious being is a natural one to adopt.  There hasn't been a credible argument for why we must be the product of a creator.  Many claim that we "must" be the creation of somebody, but why "must" we?  Just because we create things, that does not mean that somebody must have created us.. it is our own God-complex that, quite ironically, justifies to us the existence of God.  The 'Blind Watch Maker' theory is the most commonly applied, but even that is a poor argument.  It assumes that, similar to how it would be near-impossible to produce a functioning watch simply by shaking the contents in their casing, we are too complex and well formed to have just popped into being of no accord; but we now know that we didn't.  We are the product of millions of years of trial and error, far removed from the metaphor of the watch.
- For a group so bent on believing in design, this supposed God is certainly not showing much evidence of having a 'design' of any kind.  Imagine two nations that are near-identical in their worship of God and keeping sacred his word.  One of those nations is hit by a devastating natural disaster that kills thousands and destroys its cities.  The other nation is left untouched.  If God is responsible for everything, what discernable reason would there be for letting this happen?  His 'working in mysterious ways' would be the predictable response, but that is a redundant comment that religious flag-flyers use to maintain their self-delusion, it is not an argument.  Furthermore, when a victorious army or sports team claims to have had 'God on their side', why didn't the other team have that luxury?  If God loves all, why is he picking sides in such trivial instances?
- The inevitable argument that 'you can not disprove the existence of God' is, while true in itself, ultimately redundant and round-about.  It is also possibly the reason why belief in higher powers still exists.  It is not enough to apply this rhetoric, which is nothing more than a frustrating way to bring mature, reasoned arguments grinding to a halt.  If I were to lower myself to adopting this logic, then I can quite easily bombard you with 1001 absurd beings of my own invention, then maintain that they exist purely because you can't prove that they don't.  This would render me psychologically ill, and rightly so.  Yet in numbers it ceases to be a mental defect and instead becomes religion.  While this should be unsettling to a reasoned mind, it is accepted as the norm.
- Organised religion attacks science, when science is simply thousands of years of in-depth, meticulous research and findings of empirical evidence carried out by an unfathomable number of historical and contemporary genius.  Science does not make unfounded proclamations and then refuse to relent when they are disproven.  Science is humble, and accepts when it is wrong, then setting about to discover why it was wrong and what the correct answer actually is.  This is the stark opposite to blind faith, which maintains millennia-old beliefs and moral guidelines as truth without willing to be educated otherwise.  It is also the reason that the tired argument of 'science being simply another form of religion' is completely ill-informed.  It is snooty and unbecoming for an inexperienced pseudo-philosopher to come along and then denounce this evidence purely because it doesn't fit with their pre-established ideals.  The Universe adheres to certain laws of physics and, while one may argue that this reality is just an illusion (again a claim impossible to disprove), it is at the very least within this illusion that those laws apply, and therefore they do apply no matter how false you may think our perception of reality is.
- The religious will claim that 'without God there would be no worth', which, quite apart from being violently disrespectful to all loved ones, is also without merit.  Civilised society predates the invention of God and it is the belief of many atheists that life itself, and this planet alone, are wonderful things enough to satisfy the notion of a single existence.  It is not humble or endearing to defect family, friends and well being into a subordinate state of importance and use your brief time on Earth as a preperatory period, sacrificing many desires and dreams, for possible entry into another realm upon death.  I do not feel my life lacks faith enough to be fulfilling, and I do not agree that faith makes an individual stronger.  Finding God at a time of despair is little more than the theological equivalent of being given a comforting blanket.
- The worst argument of all comes from religious apologists insisting that the more absurd and fantastical Bible stories aren't intended to be true, but the existences of God and Christ are the truths within.  Where exactly did they acquire that conviction?  How can one pick and choose which bits of the scripture are supposed to be genuine without such authority on the subject?  As far as I am aware, the Bible is not annotated to distinguish the factual parts from the fictional.  If one can not accept the ridiculous stories of Noah, Sodom and Gomorrah or Job but is content with belief in the omnipotent creator that appears in each of them, that is the epitome of a crumbling argument.  In for a penny, in for a pound.
- Ultimately, I find it continually insulting that I am asked to explain myself when I say I don't believe in God.  People are conditioned to accept religion from a young and impressionable age at schools that aren't as impartial as they should be.  I do not harass God-believers into explaining their reasons, yet somehow atheism, which is merely an acting of bowing out; peaceful and non-aggressive, is treated more heavy-handedly than religious belief.  These are my reasons, and in my secure mind they are more formed and understandable than the contrary.  As such I will not be swayed.  Atheism may indeed be a herd-mentality as religion is, but is not one that is entered into without thought and reason.

Were-Man (With alternate ending)

If you were expecting a Halloween story...

It were larger than we, and with less coat than we, and had been with us for a small time.  First we were made strange at its arrival; as it seemed not like a thing we ever knew here.  But after days we understand that it has no want to hurt we or frighten we.  So we elected not to attack or kill it.

It sat in a strange cave when dark came; a cave that seemed more like its unfixed coat than the strong stone caves we know.  And the cave glowed.  In light it sat next to its cave and looked at we, with a big dark object covering its sight.  Every sunrise it did this, but still it came never near we so we let it.  It seemed pleased when we called to each other, and fiddled more with the dark object.  It again seemed pleased when we fought, and came a small bit nearer.

After one sunrise the sky came lower and wet we like it sometimes does.  On that daylight it stayed inside its cave and didn't watch we at all, but left its dark thing outside, which did.  Grey faced we and he told that maybe it was plotting in the cave, but we thought not.  Why would it now?  Grey was sure.  Told that the dark thing was its eye that was watching, and was worried about it.  We left Grey to continue this thought and didn't listen.

For lots of days the water fell and we were okay with it.  But not Grey.  Grey would sit, like It did before the water, and watch, like It did before the water, for as long as the sky was bright.  We would give Grey food, and he would eat, but he less was part of our group than before It disappeared in the cave.  That is not to say It was never seen by we.  It came out few small times each day and sometimes took the dark thing away for a time.  Then put it back.  It strangely looked at Grey; the way he sat and watched.  We told that it was slightly unusual that It found Grey's watching strange; for It did the same thing before and we didn't strangely look after the first few times.

When the sky grew higher again and the water dried, It continued to sit outside Its cave.  Sometimes It took a dark object that was smaller than what Grey called the eye, and made strange sounds from its mouth into it; like our howling but sharper and quieter.  This remade Grey's suspicions.

He called to we to follow his fear, but we had no reason to.  Finally Grey took to It's cave and stole the eye, carrying it to we in his jaw.  We looked at it and wondered but no one of we could understand its reason.
Before long, It came out from the cave making frantic noises and looked about the place.  It saw we, surrounding Its eye and roared, running toward.  Some cowered and some howled, some ran and hid.  I was among the first group.  It turned into a storm in our group, but attacked none.  None in turn attacked It, but Grey.
Grey told that he was right after all, and howled attack.  None followed him.  He jumped at It and bit.  Again and again, until It threw It's leg round hard to Grey's side, knocking him back in pain.  With the manouvere It stumbled to the ground, and Grey took the opportunity to pounce upon It.
For a small time they tumbled and span on the ground, then It took a small, shining object from under Its coat and waved it fiercely at Grey, who cried out and retreated.  We all saw the deep wound and pouring blood which we all recognised from past fights, and moved to aid Grey.  All growled attack at It, but It moved fast to the cave and jumped upon a large, tree coloured object which we never noticed before and which took It with greater speed than ours away from us forever.
After the fight Grey did not die.  But he walked feebly all the time, and cried for we.  We didn't listen.  His weakness was not something we should wish to care for as it would then became our weakness, and should It ever return, we had to be strong.  Grey was right, but we had no means to honour that.
The sun went up and down many times and Grey still didn't return to normal, but turned ever worse.  His cries became strange to our ears.  His movements not pleasing to watch.  But he still did not die.  Even after his wound was gone and no more terrible blood emerged, Grey was not better.
One day we all watched as Grey wriggled and shaked and changed painfully into a different being, that looked like It.  He had no tail or snout and his limbs were longer than needed.  At this we all gathered to attack, but I told that it was still Grey and we shouldn't do so.  The new It-Grey crouched on the ground and was scared, and moved every way he could on only his hind legs but didn't know why.  We watched with wonder at his movements.
The It-Grey decided to stay among we, and we let him, but were unsure how to approach him.  He could no longer tell we, instead could only make the same odd sounds that It made before.  Grey was seemingly content to sleep out in the sky like always, and did for some nights, but when again the sky went low and poured water, he shrieked and jumped, and ran to It's cave, which was still there.  We awoke and watched as Grey disappeared into the thin cave.  There came confused groaning from within, and the cave shook and bumped, and eventually a flash came and it glowed like before.  Grey remained within until daylight.
When he emerged, It-Grey was wrapped in a loose coat.  He looked something like sad and scared at the same time and continued to move the cloth over his body whenever it slipped, which seemed to be a troublesome task and unnecessary.
He would stop playing with we, or fighting.  He just sat under his tree.  We took him scraps of food when he stopped trying to find it himself, but instead of eating it, he departed.  When he returned he held a number of tree fruits that appeared equal to the ammount of food we gave him, placed the fruits in front of me and only then took his food.  This confused we, as we had no immediate use for tree fruits (we only eat flesh) and couldn't work out why Grey would want to exchange something of no immediate use to we for his food, especially when he had to make unnecessary effort to get it.  He performed this needless exchange every time we left food for him and could not say why.
More and more time passed by.  It-Grey seemed ever more used to his form and moved around more.  He made shapes in the dirt with a tree-stick and would cry out in glee when they were done.  He roamed the place picking up dead wood, for some reason.  He continued to exchange his berries for our meat and we continued to have no use for the berries.  When he saw that we let them die, he stopped giving us berries.  Instead he broke up the dead wood into small, similar shapes and made a particular dent in them.  They all looked the same and, when he began exchanging these instead, we were ever more confused.  They seemed even more useless than the berries, although they didn't rot and die.  They were already rotten and dead.
One day, It-Grey started coming back with all of the dead wood he'd taken.  He worked and grew tired but eventually came up with something of a cave in our home.  It was shaped more like It's sharp, dark objects than our caves that looked like they were from where they were from.  This cave looked unusual in its place, as nothing around it looked the same.  It unsettled we, but it was the only of its kind and so we didn't worry for long.
Grey eventually destroyed the cave he had taken from It, as his new one was more powerful against the sky and didn't dance in the wind.  On one terrible night I made attempt to go into it, but Grey stopped me.  I came back later but he stopped me again.  Eventually I realised why he was stopping me.  I took a jaw full of his small wooden shapes and offered them to him, he let me in.  As I grew tired and before sleep took me, I wondered why he wanted them.  He'd given them to we at first, why did he need them back before allowing me shelter?  Why not simply exchange the shelter for the food we gave him?  I slept on the ground where Grey slept higher on an object that looked better to sleep in.  For the first time since he'd changed, I felt like Grey was my master, even though I was always the master of the pack before.
When I awoke the cave was without Grey.  I emerged and found him to be attacking a tree with an object not unlike the one that rendered him wounded when he was still like we.  But it was bigger.  Eventually the tree fell with a terrible sound that hit all the other trees, and hit the ground like it was beaten.
Even though he had won, Grey continued to attack the dead tree with the object, ferociously, until it was in bits.  He then picked up these bits and took them to a place where there were many more, piled.
He spent many more days building smaller caves that looked like his.  Eventually the place was over-run with caves and it didn't look like our home any more.
When he'd finished, he walked away.  He was gone many days and we slept in his new caves.  Eventually things seemed back to normal, we'd forgotten about Grey and although our land didn't look the same, it felt like it did before.  We played, fought and hunted like before.  It was good.
Then one day, he returned.  His approach was felt long before he appeared and, when he did, he was carrying something big.  As he drew closer I saw that it was another like he, but fairer and with more complicated coating on its body and head.  It seemed asleep and I spied a large wound on its head.  Grey took it into his big cave and that night he did not let me sleep in there with him.
The next day Grey roamed his collection of caves, when he found several of our kind dwelling in them he turned angry.  He roared and waved his limbs and made we leave.
When we regrouped at the edge of his land which was ours, we thought to attack, but he took out a giant object and struck one so hard and fierce that it could only howl once before it fell to the ground and died.
We all howled in terror, and Grey roared at we again, waving the object.  He was warning us of our punishment were we to ever try to use his land again.  So we retreated.
On our walk we told of our sadness for the dead.  He never fought with Grey in either of his lives.  We snarled and fought as we looked for a new home; for the stress was making we do so.  Our place was our home before any of we came into living.  Now it was Grey's place only.
One day we came upon the old, tree-coloured thing that It escaped upon.  It was pressed deep into a big tree and its shape was ruined.  We sniffed and prowled around it, interested.  Eventually within we saw It.  He was unmoving and the flies were also interested.  Dead from meeting the tree too fast.  He proved a decent meal for our troubled journey.
No new place was good.  Our search was not good, and we none felt good.  It had been a long journey and we were sick and dying.  Angered, I decided to tell that we should go back to Grey's land and take it.  It had always been ours, and Grey was never the master.  Why should his new form make him so?  We had fought and killed others that were not like we, and we should be able to do again.  With remade energies, we made for home, and the fight.

When we arrived little was different from before.  Grey's caves still stood in place of our trees.  We waited by the edge of the place, stood for the fight.  Grey appeared.

He stood taller, prouder than we last saw him.  His coat was no longer loose and dull, it fit against him well and made him seem entirely the same as It, who dwelled before.

He seemed pleased to see we.  That caused worry, but we did not delay.  Our charge was all fury and teeth, and we were on him in no time.  Grey swiped and kicked and did pacify one or two, but the battle was ours.  His go at reaching the big objects was useless, and we soon tasted his blood, which was no longer ours.

As we bit and scratched, several grew startled and stood firm.  A sound filled up the place and disrupted the fight, and a number of the large tree-coloured objects swarmed in.  We scattered.

More like It and It-Grey appeared, all pointing dark sticks.  As they pointed, we began to die - one by one - some tried to hide but the sticks still managed to make them die, despite their distance.

Only I still stood.  The other Its were reaching for Grey and making alarmed noises.  Grey seemed unsure but passive and eventually happy as they took him away from us.

Presumably back to their civilisation.

*****OR, OR, OR, OR, OR, OR*****

When we arrived little was different from before.  Grey's caves still stood in place of our trees.  We waited by the edge of the place, stood for the fight.  Grey appeared.

He stood taller, prouder than we last saw him.  His coat was no longer loose and dull, it fit against him well and made him seem entirely the same as It, who dwelled before.

He seemed pleased to see we.  That caused worry, but we did not delay.  Our charge was all fury and teeth, and we were on him in no time.  Grey swiped and kicked and did pacify one or two, but the battle was ours.  His go at reaching the big objects was useless, and we soon tasted his blood, which was no longer ours.

Then he made a very terrible noise, and folded in on himself.  Then he uncurled and the force knocked we all away from him.  Not deterred for long, we crept back.  But as we did, he began to show more pain alone than we could ever inflict.  Just like before he shook and bent and cried, and then he was like we again.  Cowered on the ground, looking with sorry eyes.  His tail, back.  His coat, back.  No longer a master.

As we continued to close in on the traitor he looked around him; at his caves, at us.  He did not know what to do with his former dominion now.

Life in the Spirit of a Knight of the Cross

A couple of weeks ago, a colleague found a ragged, torn piece of paper stuffed into an empty glass.  The paper was covered top to bottom with what would, at a glance, appear to be a load of idle scribbles, but it quickly became clear that it was a message written in code;



The message was regarded occasionally with slithers of interest and then almost forgotten about.  Until, that is, my brother and I decided we could try and decode it.  Each symbol obviously stood for a letter of the alphabet and the odd word was clearly recognisable as not all of the symbols were very far removed from the letter they were replacing.  So words such as 'cross', 'commands' and 'and' were instantly recognisable.  Those gave us translations of several letters which we could then apply to other words and begin an arduous process of elimination and common sense application, a la Sherlock Holmes in 'The Adventure of the Dancing Men' (you can imagine my glee at this task already).  So, where we already had, for example, the letters for 'cross', we could apply the 'R' symbol in the first word alongside the likelihood that this was a letter, then we had the word 'dear' and as such all the letters in that word which we could again apply to other words, and so forth.  Words were deciphered based on the letters we had already cracked, using those letters we would work out the most likely word with educated guesses and then obtain more letters.  The process inevitably became easier with each deciphered symbol and as we gradually translated paragraph by paragraph, we ultimately found ourselves reading the letter as though we were familiar with the language all along.

A couple of symbols throughout the letter don't seem to correspond and as such render the words they appear in nonsensical.  We put this down to simple error and suspected it a possible reason for the note being discarded.
 

The theme of the letter was the most striking aspect and that also helped us in the translation, as we could assume the next word simply by association.  For example, as the writer talks about 'Knights of The Cross', we filled in gaps in the sentence 'We all know that we live by the commands of ___ and the teachings of _____ the ______' with 'God', 'Jesus' and 'Christ' respectively.  Translation ultimately took about forty-five minutes.  The translated letter reads as follows (the spelling errors are the author's own mistakes);

Life in the Spirit of a Knight of the Cross



Dear fellow knights of the cross, shalom and God bless you all.

I have been asked to speak to you all about the spirit of a knight of the cross.

We all know why we were formed all those centuries ago.

We all know that we live by the commands of God and the teachings of Jesus the Christ.

We all know that there well be times when a knight may look at what we had to do to Sadam, Bin Laden and Gadafi.

We know that we work behind the scenes.

Unfortunately, it reads as an unfinished piece of work and we were all slightly underwhelmed by the abrupt ending, assuming that the author decided to rewrite it and discard the first draft.  Either way, it is quite an eery piece of work, and while some of us think it may well be the idle scribblings of a bored fantasist, we have not put to bed the possibility that these knights of the cross were actually on our premises, conspiring the imminent assassination of a public figure.  If only we had a finished document.

Researching 'knights of the cross' brings me two main findings, the first is a 1900 historic novel by Polish author Henryk Sienkiewicz, and, more intriguingly, an order of knights who wield one of three 'swords of the cross', swords which are supposedly imbued by a nail from the holy cross.

Neither of these findings seem to completely correspond with what the author has written, which means that either there is a secret too big even for the internet, or if I dare apply Occum's Razor, there really was just a lunatic writing religious nonsense on a piece of scrap paper after a few pints.

Either way, my short spell as the bastard child of Sherlock Holmes and Robert Langdon is at an end.

Love Letter

Dear Life,
               You have been good to me.  When I was born you were careful not to send any traumatising hardships my way, anything that would have had ongoing psychological repurcussions in later life and I'm really grateful for that.  You helped my parents give me a happy childhood and although, like any privellaged child would have done, I complained every now and then, I look back on it fondly.  I played outdoors as much as I believe a child should, I had good friends who showed me how to grow up and interact with people, but who didn't tiptoe around my feelings when they felt the need to criticise me.  I stayed indoors and read, or drew pictures or wrote stories which I'm thankful for because those early hobbies have given me the creative inclinations I now so cherish.
As I grew older you kept sending good people my way, people who were there for me when I sometimes selfishly wasn't always there for them (but was when I felt up to the challenge).  In my teenage years I felt you had somewhat given up on me and offloaded a ton of negative character traits and emotions on me that, at times, made life quite hard, but I now appreciate that you do that to most people and its for a greater good, if you were to resist testing people at an impressionable age then so few would have the sociological tools necessary to appreciate you when true hardships arrive.  I look back on those years with mixed emotions but don't mistake that for lack of ample fondness.  You showed me what love was just around the time when I thought I would never find out, then as I grew older you showed me that having that love removed is not the end of the world.
You've always kept the good people close to me and the bad people distant.  I pride myself on my judge of character but I know that the cosmos works in mysterious ways and if you wanted evil to interfere in my life then you could have made that happen but you chose not to, even though you have to so many others.
I know that nothing in my life is truly bad, however much I may think it is.  You let me experiment with drugs and you seem to have guided me, somehow, into near alcoholism.  I don't know why you finally chose to do that to me after being so good to me for so many years prior, but you must have your reasons.  The whimsical among us tend to think that all things happen for a reason and, although I'm largely apprehensive to see things their way, I suppose they could be on to something there.
But your care sometimes wanes, if I were to be honest with you.  It seems, retroactively, that you have been teasing me with loving care and the supposedly perpetual offer of good things.  To be frank you're being a bit of a prick right now.  Why have I, all of a sudden, been given this disposition to overthink things that shouldn't bother me?  Why am I suddenly so wary of and disappointed in the human race when you have never given me reason to be in the past?  I haven't learnt any of this negativity from the environment so it must have been YOU that started doing this to me.  How FUCKING dare you??  Only when I feel good enough about myself to try and see the brighter side I only then self-punish for the extreme hubris I associate with myself for inwardly implying that I'm better than them, those so-called good people that you've surrounded me with.  I have lost the ability to appreciate the NOW, I edit out all the things I should be proud and happy about and distort my decent life into a CURSE.  WHY have you done this to me?  You SADISTIC CUNT.  Where do you seem to get off delighting in a man agitatedly destroying everything around him because you've somehow twisted his otherwise rational mind into thinking everything needs to be destroyed?  I am increasingly surrounded by sordid examples of humanity's callousness and degeneration and YOU'VE shown me this.  And YOU'VE given me this anger and tendency to jeapordise my relationships with the good people around me.  YOU showed my friend being layed into by a group of people he didn't even know, FOR TRYING TO FUCKING APOLOGISE.  YOU set a gang of pissed-up cunts on me in the dark to smash my skull in and have to have serious surgery when you were so busy before allowing me to convince myself that I'm a decent person who doesn't deserve this.  Fuck, you've even given me weakness of character enough to do THIS.  Were you ever planning on conceding your sick efforts and showing me that you're not so bad?  When exactly?  I knew that life was hard before you made me this way.  You've let arseholes and idiots prosper all around me and if that wasn't enough you've even refrained from letting me rise above such triviality.  SHOULD I care about people chasing shallow status symbols and catching them, letting them think they're socially above me?  I shouldn't.  I KNOW people that don't and while I respect them, I AM NOT ONE OF THEM.  At what point did you give up on me?  What the FUCK have I done to you?  I doubt you'll ever let me know.
I was grateful for the first half of my life thus far.  'Was' being the operative word.  WAS.  You've clearly given up on me and I must have deserved it, but I can't work out how or why.  So I want to give up on you.  I'm done with the scum of humanity being too inept and poison-headed to accept apologies that come from my ACTUAL heart, so why should I expect any better from you?
Fuck you.  I hate you.

All the best
Joe xx

Terrible, Terrible Nightmares

Last night I had a nightmare based on a film I not only haven't seen, but don't recall even seeing a trailer for (although my girlfriend insists I have, for all intents and purposes I have not because I remember nothing about it), Chernobyl Diaries, writer Oren Peli's follow up to Paranormal Activity (He didn't play much of a part in the mediocre sequels).
Considering that watching Paranormal Activity at the cinema was one of the most terrifying experiences of my adult life (be quiet naysayers, its one of the most splendidly crafted ghost stories of the last two decades and a milestone for the genre), it is perfectly reasonable that I should have a bad dream about its successor with only the knowledge of its sharing a writer to go on.  As previously implied, the last two instalments had little to no lasting effects on my psyche.  Effective as they occasionally were, they seemed to lack that crucial horror element, of the chills being so universally accessible, getting the film under your skin so it lingers at the front of your mind for several nights, and at the back of your mind for several months.  Only last year's The Woman In Black has since achieved that effect on me.
The purpose of this post is becoming blurred as I have digressed into horror film critique which was not my intention (I can't resist).  This is about nightmares, and what causes me to have nightmares is not as straightforward as it should be.  Despite my previous musing on the link between Chernobyl Diaries and Paranormal Activity, I do not believe that to be the cause for my unsettling dream.  My subconscious mind, fragile as it seems to be, allows all aspects of terror to curdle and cause bad dreams.  Regardless of how non-terrifying I may find something in my waking state, if its unfulfilled intention is to scare then rest assured the effects are merely delayed until bed time.  You may recall my unfavourable review of The Devil Inside, a film that was simultaneously a poor Paranormal Activity and a terrible Exorcist.  However, come night time I still suffered from nightmares related to this film (Specifically focusing on the character of the possessed mother, the only aspect of The Devil Inside that even approached spooky).  This has since happened on numerous occasions and I have drawn the conclusion that these nightmares are caused by my mind acknowledging the potential of all horror stories that miss the mark.  A film like The Devil Inside may be poor and have no desired effect on my horror-hardened and cynical nerves, but upon watching it my subconscious begins to consider what the film was trying to achieve, and throughout the rest of the evening goes to work on a more effective version of events, splicing and editing out the weakpoints and replacing them with things that are unique to my idea of what is terrifying.  By the time I fall asleep the sadistic bastard that is my mind will then unleash this personalised story and succeed where the original itself fails.  Oddly enough, this is something of a retroactive success for the filmmakers, although unfortunately probably quite exclusive to this moviegoer.  In short, every horror film I ever watch will give me nightmares because my mind insists on showing me what it could have been.
This brings me back to Chernobyl Diaries.  At the time of writing I have deliberately refrained from researching the film because I want to focus on my mind being worked merely by knowledge of its existence, its screenwriter and the poster (which I have seen).  In the same way that The Devil Inside gave me nightmares because demonic possession is a creepy subject even if the filmmakers failed to utilise that leg-up, I know that the Chernobyl disaster was a horrific event, and the fact that it is now the subject of a horror film directed by the creator of one of the most effective modern ghost stories in cinema allows me to work out the rest.  The personalisation of the horror element has already hit home; ghosts, bodily disfigurement, nuclear fallout and the inevitable isolation associated with a place like Chernobyl are all things that have unsettled me since childhood (I used to lie awake at night, aged eight, worrying about nuclear war), so I don't need to glean anything else, the sufficient elements are there to disturb my sleep, and so they did.
The dream passed as follows;
I'm in an unsanitary kind of room, about to watch Chernobyl Diaries on a really beat-up old TV (see the dream begins meta-textual, which I'm a bit proud of).  Despite the poor quality of the TV, I'm still largely unsettled by the film.  Human-shaped things with mouldy grey skin and no faces are chasing people around a fenced-off wasteland.
I'm no longer watching the film, I'm now part of it.  A dozen-or-so rows of wooden chairs are arranged in the large living room of a run-down shack, in the manner of a school assembly.  I'm sitting at the back and there are only four or five other people in the entire room.  The room is dark and a man stands at the front, masked by twilight, giving us an inaudible briefing on coming events.  Then it gets gradually darker until pitch black.  What's interesting is the lighting, as it is broad daylight outside but the light lingers no further than the window itself.  The room is completely shrouded, and I remark on how good a job the lighting team has done (It seems that despite now being part of the story I'm still acknowledging that I'm in a film).
Things that are really scaring me thus far are the sparsity of the room; anything not fulfilling its purpose, in this case an empty room that should be full, is unsettling, the unwelcoming aesthetic of the building, and the sunlight failing to light a dark space.  The hidden face of the man (Anyone with supposed authority not revealing themselves is another disturbing notion), the lack of clarity in the instructions I'm getting and the fact that I'm still conscious of being a character in a horror film are all contributing factors.
Then I'm made to feel my way through the complete darkness (a terrifying ordeal in day-to-day life, let alone in a horror story) until I find a door, I force the door open and enter a room, closing the door behind me.  The room is empty and I can't figure out why I even have to be there, but the only way out is back throught the darkened assembly room, which is of no comfort to me.  Then the door handle starts shaking furiously, the door itself too.  I don't recall locking it but thank god I did, because something terrible on the other side of that dreaded door wants to get in and hurt me.  The door continues to struggle against the lock, banging and banging and then my alarm ends the dream and brings me back to reality.
Bad dreams have never been much of a problem to me (shy of the ones where family members die), despite how often I have them.  To be sickeningly optimistic about something usually quite traumatising, you awake from a bad dream into a comparatively better existence, unless of course the dream is simply a foreshadowing of something bad that is actually going to happen; though quite mundane an example, I have nightmares about counting stock at work, only to have to actually live out that bad dream when I wake up.  That is no comfort.  Good dreams, once finished, throw you unwillingly back into your inferior life.  You're not a millionaire, your book hasn't been published and your beloved childhood dog is still dead.  What is really good about that?  Aren't the real nightmares the ones that tease you with unattainable highs and then vomit you back into living hell?  To me, what we all generally consider to be a 'nightmare' is usually little more than a free horror movie starring yourself.  If you can't handle horror movies then I'm fully ready to accept that this justification is all bollocks to you (although it isn't my fault that you're an alien).
A cashier in NatWest once asked me if I thought dreams were insights into a parallel life (I just wanted to deposit some money, honest).  I humoured him at the time, of course, but I began to wonder on that.  From a non-literal stance then, yes.  When you dream you access a constructed fantasy world that is only bound by the limits of your own mind.  Dreams are a parallel universe wherein the rigid constructs of reality are absent, and you wield limitless planet-shaping power.  By and large only your subconscious can access that power (unless you are experiencing a lucid dream, alas I never have), but it is superior to waking life nonetheless.  If you believe dreams are shaped by the experiences of the preceding day, then that is something of a parallel universe.  You watch a horror film in one universe, and in the other universe it is not a horror film, but your actual life.  Your dog dies in one universe, and in the other the dog is still alive and the knock-on effects of that variable has rendered the surrounding atmosphere almost unrecognisable to that of the universe in which the dog is dead.  Providing you don't take 'parallel universe' to literally mean 'another existing universe' as opposed to 'a universe dreamt up by your sleeping mind' (that's a whole other debate), then the cashier was very much on to something there. 
I'll be sorely disappointed if Chernobyl Diaries is shit.

The Nice Man

I met a really nice man out in Haworth a while ago. My doctor said I
should take more walks in the open air to help me recover in good speed
and, always having lived close to the Yorkshire moor that purportedly
inspired Emily Bronte’s Wuthering Heights, one of my favourite novels,
I felt it high time I should make the modest pilgrimage to Top Withens,
the barren farmhouse that occupies the moor.

Myself and Sylvester, who was my Alsatian, left the dreary cityscape
of Bradford and ventured to rural Haworth village, a most refreshing
change for the senses. From there we walked the country path out of
the village and onto the moor. I can not faithfully describe to you
the mixture of excitement and lament I felt, knowing I was leaving town
life behind for an afternoon, only to be forced back into this mundane
existence by the end of the evening, grappled into place by the talons
of daily existence. I’ve always, from a safe distance, admired those
that shed themselves of all their dependencies upon the city and lived
out the remainder of their lives in a tent in the countryside, but I
could never be carefree enough to join their ranks.

After our pleasant hike, Sylvester and I came upon the house, where we
sat for more than an hour. Not being hungry I allowed Sylvester to eat
the sandwich I made for myself, deciding no more than a can of beer
will satiate me. Top Withens was nice enough, derelict in the manner
that can only be aesthetically beautiful away from urban society, and I
can not deny that I experienced the occasional whimsical rush of
fictional history around the place, picturing the ghosts of Heathcliff
and Cathy, tearfully gallivanting about the grounds, living out their
forlorn love story against the backdrop of the wild moor. However, my
mind was constantly irritated by the likelihood that I was just a
tourist, at a tourist attraction among other tourists equipped with
cameras and folded maps. I was only feeling these things because the
Haworth tourist board wanted me to, I was only here because a guide
book and a website said I should be.

As such, on our journey back I took Sylvester off the tourist-wearied
path into the village and decided to explore the less chartered areas.
What, I asked myself, could be the worst thing to happen? If I get
lost I still have several days of time off left anyway, and if I get
bored I shall simply put it down as another venture with nothing gained.
Predictably enough, there was little to see. I’ve always been more
fascinated by the places tourist attractions don’t let you see; the
locked doors in old churches, the cordoned-off corridors in museums,
what are they keeping from us? In reality, I suppose, it would seem
that tourist offices keep these places from us because they are dull
and they would waste our time. That certainly seemed to be the case of
Haworth moor.

Several hours passed and I began to feel the strain in my shoes, so I
turned in the direction of the village. On my way back I came across a
man, sat upon a stone far from anything resembling a civilisation.
I walked to him and asked if I was heading in the correct direction of
Haworth. He did not immediately answer.

‘Most usually keep their distance from me’ he said, ‘it can be
intimidating to happen upon a man acting strangely in the middle of
nowhere.’
‘In what manner is your act strange?’ asked I.
‘I sit on this stone’ he replied, ‘and I do not move.’
This confounded me. ‘You might be tired’ I said, ‘or in
contemplation. Lord knows both of these are true to me at the moment.’
‘Ah’ he said. ‘I have sat on this stone for a long time.’
It was at this moment I felt Sylvester’s leash strain tightly in my
hand. My dog was snarling relentlessly at the sitting man, and were it
not for my restraint of him, would likely have him pinned to the ground.
‘Sylvester!’ I cried. ‘Behave yourself.’
The man waved politely and dismissively. ‘It is quite alright’ he
said, ‘the dog is only acting as expected. It is your behaviour that
confuses me more.’
I didn’t quite know how to reply to this. The man had only known of
my existence for a number of minutes. Surely he shouldn’t yet be
expecting a particular type of behaviour from a stranger?
He smiled and motioned for me to approach him closer. I obliged.
‘So why are you sitting on this stone?’ I asked.
The stranger did not reply. Instead he reached out and took hold of
my wrist. At this I immediately felt enraged. I could not believe he,
a stranger to me, would act so boldly. My head lightened and I
suddenly found it difficult to focus, rage clouded every sense I
possessed and I could no longer perceive time or atmosphere. But my
anger had no direction, I was aware enough to realise it was not he who
I was disgusted with, nor was it myself for damning him. I could not
work out why I was so full of wrath. With all the strength I could
muster I swung my leg around and met Sylvester with an almighty kick to
the ribs. The poor dog yelped in protest and staggered backwards.
At this the man let go of me. I stepped back, the rage was gone.
Sylvester looked at me with hurt abandon in his eyes and I felt
disgusted with myself for the violent treatment of my best friend. I
immediately dropped to my knees and comforted him.
‘What on Earth happened?’ I asked. The man smiled. His words and
actions seemed to be infused with an infectious politeness that made
him impossible to dislike.

‘The next thing I tell you may make you think me a mad man’ he warned.
However, upon saying this his friendly grin was wiped from his face by
an expression of deadly foreboding that, I am not ashamed to admit,
intimidated me somewhat.
‘I am the source for all the world’s evil.’
What could I then do? I stood alone against this man, save for an
angry dog, and he had just told me one of the most fantastical ravings
I had heard in a very long time. I could not then depart, or refute
him, because he would be hurt and I did not wish for that.
‘Of course you don’t believe me’ he continued, ‘its quite alright, why
should you?’ This made me think that, if nothing else, at least his
claim was genuine in his own mind. Why would a trickster resign their
efforts to convince so early?
I smiled as politely as possible, recalling what he had made me do to
Sylvester with just one touch of his hand.

‘I have not long walked free from a place where men make claims like
yours every day’ I told him. ‘But you have just shown me something
that makes me think I should believe you. Explain more, please.’
My friend seemed pleased at my open mindedness and granted my wish.
‘I radiate a strange, hypnotic force that effects nature in the minds
of men’ he explained. ‘Some are more susceptible to its powers than
others, but all are, at the very least, casually affected. Although
close proximity to me will heighten the influence, my power is stubborn
enough that it lingers around the globe. Now please do not part ways
with your acceptance of me when I tell you that I am quite possibly
close to seven-thousand years old. In the dark ages I lived in the
cities, and the degeneration and despair that filled the streets in
those days was evidence enough of this. At first I was blissfully
unaware of the unshakeable power I possess, but occurrences with
friends and family, which led to deliberate experiments, confirmed my
fears. I make people behave badly. Furthermore I learnt that this
power was keeping me alive, for I eventually became what I then
considered to be an old man, yet showed no physical sign of it. I have
no conscious decision in what I am capable of, and it has stung my
heart for centuries to know that all the despots, murderers and
remorseless criminals throughout history are likely influenced by me.
‘I moved onto this moor eventually, deciding that sacrificing human
civilisation would be the best course of action for the world. The
power is not cut off out here, but it is at least limited. I have of
course considered moving to a more remote land, but such places tend to
be too hot or cold and would likely be too much for me. So here I have
sat, upon this stone for a very long time indeed.’

I decided that I believed this man. What he made me do to Sylvester
is something no illusionist or hypnotist could ever bring me to do, for
I love my dog and would never strike him undeservedly.
The next question escaped my lips before I had time to consider
whether I should really be asking it. ‘Are you the Devil?’
‘I don’t think so’ answered the man in a speed that suggested he had
considered this himself for many hours. ‘I think the Devil, if he
exists, delights in the despair he causes, and I do not.’
I thought of other selfless men who have been the catalyst for war and
despair against their will. Then I decided that I had just met the
most selfless man on Earth.
‘In answer to your original question,’ he said, ‘yes, you are going in
the correct direction.’
I thanked the man and bade him farewell as I took Sylvester back home.

That night I could not sleep, I thought heavily upon the events of the
day, and I decided I would return. The very next day I came to see the
man on the stone, and I brought him some food and drink and books to
read. That day he was surprised, and I dare say a little pleased, to
see me again. I brought him Wuthering Heights and told him that he sat
at the very location where it was set. This interested him and he
promised me he would read the book.

I returned on several occasions, and the man grew to expect and look
forward to my visits. During one occasion we spoke of The Bible and so
I purchased a copy from the village shop and brought it too him. He
later joked that the earlier parts seem to be his biography, but he
enjoyed the New Testament very much. I reassured him that there are
people good enough to overcome his power and persist to act in their nature.

One day my friend seemed a lot more sullen than usual. I asked him
what the matter was. ‘Why is my evil not affecting you?’ He asked in
reply. ‘You have had continual exposure to me yet you remain kind.’
‘I think the good that some people inspire can outweigh anything else’
I said, eternally thinking of his selflessness. At this he smiled
meekly, but maintained his solemn countenance. The next thing he said
took me aback.
‘I would like you to kill me.’
‘What?’ I asked in disbelief.
‘The power will allow you to do it’ he said, ‘and if you do my
influence on the world will end. This can only be a good thing.’
I was stunned. I did not know what to say. He was right of course,
his death would benefit the world, but how could I be the one to make
that decision? How could this man be so selfless and kind as to be
prepared to die to make things better?
‘Take the leash of your pet’ he said, ‘wring my neck with it. Nobody
knows who I am or that I am here, the people that would mourn my
passing have all themselves passed centuries ago. There is nobody to
miss me or to swear revenge at my death. It is the best for all that
you honour my request.’

My heart began to pound. I did indeed feel the power, I could do it.
I ordered Sylvester to sit and I took his leash, clutching it with both
fists as I stared at my friend. I stared for a long time, on the verge
of acting until I made my ultimate decision.
‘I can not’ I said. ‘I’m sorry.’
The man sighed. ‘You are my best friend’ he said.
What happened next was too horrible to behold. How could I have been
so narrow-minded as to forget about Sylvester? The way he snarled and
threatened on the first day had slipped my mind, and I had just freed
him from his restraint.

My friend did not scream as the dog leapt upon him, gnashing and
clawing at his body. I cried in protest but Sylvester was under a
spell, as far as he was concerned I did not exist at that moment.
I turned away, unable to hide from the hideous sounds coming from
behind, and I waited for silence.

When I reluctantly turned back, there stood my pet, wagging confusedly
and weeping at the foot of the body which he had dragged from life. My
friend lay next to his stone, lifeless and misshapen from the attack,
while Sylvester looked as though he had never attacked a single
creature in all his life.

I buried my face in my hands and cried. Sylvester tried to approach
me but I shook him off. Of course he hadn’t sentience enough to be
impressionable to my friend’s good will, but I could not look upon him
as anything other than a killer now.

I let my dog free, safe in the knowledge that he would never act in
that way again now that my friend had passed. It was upsetting to say
goodbye to him, but I knew I could never regard Sylvester as a friend
again. Then I looked at the leash in my hands, and wondered if my
friend had tricked me, asking me to remove it as he knew it would allow
the dog to attack where I could not.

On my walk back to the village I wondered whether people had enough
inherent ugliness to carry on causing misery or death despite the
absence of the power. It was certainly a possibility and would be
horrifying to think that my friend perished in vain. Nevertheless, I
was relieved by the events of recent weeks, in that I had met someone
who reminded me that the world is littered with people that
effortlessly inspire good.

My Holiday in Depravity

So I'm staggering through Embankment station with this kind of breezy drunken arrogance that people staring at me probably don't think I deserve, sniffing condescendingly at tourists trying to work out where the surprise chocolate comes out of the oyster card and slapping mine on the reader nonchalantly.  It doesn't work because I overcompensated how simple and inconsequential this task is so the reader doesn't actually get to read it.  My mask slips a bit and instead of laughing out my embarassment I choose to huff at the indignation of it all.  How dare the world around me not bend over backwards to uphold my uselessness as a human being?  The person the commuters would be seeing if they didn't all have frustrated tunnel-vision is not embarassed.  Londoners don't get embarassed, what could possibly ever be embarassing when you're the most important person in the world?
There's a massive hole in the crotch of my favourite jeans, not because I can't afford a new pair but because the idea of taking ten minutes out of my eventless day to stroll through a clothes shop sickens me so I'm playing chicken with the ever growing hole until I can put it off no longer.  If I were to be honest with myself I think these jeans passed the public decency threshold several weeks ago.  I'm sitting open-legged on the District line and the timid young Italian couple opposite me don't know where to look.  I'd have thought anywhere other than my cock would be the obvious answer... I shouldn't have worn baggy boxer shorts I guess, but I tell you this denim cock-hole has been a dream come true during the recent heat wave.
That period where you're already a bit drunk but are an undisclosed length of time away from being able to get another drink is quite nauseating.  Sobering up prematurely has a sort of knock-on effect on the rest of the evening.  I sometimes get this stinging sensation around the jaw when this happens, and the next pint doesn't go down too well but the one after that does.  How long is this journey anyway?  I never take any notice, instead I just tend to call it half an hour.  Central London to anywhere by tube is half an hour, flat out.
When I stand up I reach down and fumble around to make sure nothing's escaping the denim cock-hole (I wish) and stroll out of the dreary zone two station into the blinding light, which does no favours for my weird non-sober pre beer hangover thing.
'There's a five pound minimum to pay with a debit card'
'Alright then I'll pay for two and have the other one in a minute'
What is the minimum age for a man to sit in a pub by himself and not look strange?  It isn't twenty-five, but I've got friends on their way and I have a problem with punctuality; I'm always on time.  My jaw is stinging through renewed activity (I think next time I'll just sing on the tube to keep my jaw exercised.  Fuck you Boris, fuck you and your drinking ban.  Reckon tourists will be less freaked out by a 25-year old Harry Potter lookalike singing Abba songs to the ceiling of the tube train?) and as predicted this beer is not going down well but my headache is going away.  See I haven't had much sleep because I went out last night, got back home to the intrusive sound of birdsong and started work at 8.00am.  Then I had a beer when I finished and instead of killing a pointless two hours in my room where I would have let the last few days catch up with me and dozed off, being then too lethargic to go out again, I just carried on.  Jaegerbombs are like espressos anyway, surely?  Then I haven't really had time to eat, so everything I have to drink is taking no detour en route to my brain.  So am I already steaming pissed or just drowsy?  I need to up my race with the limits of my body. 
'Two jaegerbombs please'
'Two?'
'The other one's for my friend when he gets here, and there's a five pound card limit?  Oh and I'll have that other pint as well.'
The art of 'going to the fucking cashpoint before you walk into a pub' is dead.  Is the minimum spend requirement a half-arsed attempt at discouraging card transactions or is it the complete opposite of that; embracing the plastic revolution and capitalising on it?  Yes, actual cash is dead, but you're going to pay through the fucking nose if you want to latch on to this bandwagon, sunshine.
My friend turns up, finally (I'm trying to turn a drunken blur into prose so forgive the sparse characterisation.  Anyone reading this who thinks they were there can pretend its them, if they want).  We neck our jaegerbombs.
'How long have you been here?'
'20 minutes or so'
'And you're already drunk?'
A dismissive gesture and slurred grunt tell him that I started early.  Anyway, I'm not like those gassy old alcoholics that I quietly deride from the other end of the pub, I'm young and I'm, like, a vegetarian and, um I don't smoke and I'm an artist so its okay when I do it.
The rest is like greasy hands violently smearing themselves across my face so I lose sight and wave frantically to shrug my weird attacker away to no avail, they keep rubbing my face and laughing and it fucking hurts.  Everything I should be able to see is a stretched blur behind the hard-pressing, coarse fingers.  I lose balance and direction and when they finally tire of this pointless abuse I just want to trip dizzily to a barstool and dangle my drunken, bloated face over the bar, daydreaming about putting my penis in things that it doesn't belong in and burping annoyed, pissed-up cliches at nobody who will listen.  This is all fiction as far as I'm concerned, trying to remember it is no easier than writing something new so I will (and already have) dip in and out of actual fact and make things up when necessary.  Semi-fictionalising my life is decent compensation for having no ideas of my own and still looking like I deserve to be a writer.  Maybe I'll change my character's name to Jim or something.  There.  Now it's an original story.
So Jim spends the rest of the night going 'AH LAV THIS SHONG' and dancing like a traumatised grandparent at someone's wedding.  The last pint is always redundant in this state.  Jim has two warm, flat sips and won't even remember it, and it sits on the bar for an hour until the uncertain bartender plucks up the courage to just get rid of it.  Jim doesn't care.
Awkwardly swirling colours that don't appear to show any gradient of change yet change nonetheless dance and quiver around what was Jim as an incomprehensible barrage of unlinked thoughts divorced from any context pound on his functionless brain.  Why does he manage to remain so articulate in his ill-advised texts and facebook rants when he can't even perceive whether the person in front of him is friend, stranger or reflection?  Thoughts of treacle-like blood oozing from the bottom of a black boot as it is lifted from the crumpled skull of the former man beneath it.  Sharpened fingers piercing eyeballs like cellophane and clawing away at the fractured bone outlines of the seeping eye sockets.  The spiral goes progressively more chaotic and the thoughts mesh and distort until nothing more than smears of red and stifled screams curdle in Jim's mind.  He is a werewolf and the very poison that will thump his brain with every uttered syllable next morning is his moon.  He wants to smash bones and twist necks, swipe at jaws with blunt objects and slash at throats, stamp out genitalia with steel toe caps and spit blood on the twitiching remains.  Or dance some more.
Jim groans back into consciousness in a house that's further away from last night's venue than his own, but a drunk man loses grasp on his perception of finality and at the time there was no end of the night.  If the pub closes then there is the nightclub.  When that shuts there is a willing friend's studio flat.  When they sleep there's that last sip of whiskey and flat coke and if you're still awake beyond that then you truly are a monster.
After self-deprecating, pseudo-intellectual and pointlessly metaphorical reflections on a night nobody can remember, Jim bundles out into the afternoon rain, clutching his thin layers against his shaking skin and whimpering pathetically over his thumping head.  He darts about confusedly trying to remember the way to a tube station and eventually comforts himself with the theory that there is always one around the corner.  There is.  He feels biting cold around the groin and realises that the worn hole in the neglected jeans is now gaping, his bits flapping freely under his thin boxers.  Probably all that dancing.  He takes the tube journey back, now entertaining guilt, pain and regret in replacement of excitement and arrogance.  His entire week has been like this.  Jim breaks into a cold sweat as he remembers his drunken tendency to compound his deep-set, bitter thoughts through facebook on his smart phone.  It will be the better part of half an hour before he has any signal.  He will just have to stew in dread until then.
DELETE.
DELETE.
That one's quite funny and two friends have already liked it anyway.
DELETE.
I was sober when I wrote that, all is good.
Finally Jim gets to crawl into his own bed, sweating poisonous alcohol into his unwashed sheets and staring at whatever ugly-sounding American crap is glowing out of his TV.  But he has to be at work in an hour and preparing to spend the next nine hours convincing people he is a fully-functioning human is only worsening his hangover, thus making the impending task all the more challenging.  Fucking recursion.
He tells himself that 'I'll stay home tomorrow', watch TV or read that book he started four cunting weeks ago.  It's not even that long.  'You are an inarticulate, uncultured prick making vain attempts to look clever and convince yourself you're not interested in the same mundane shit every other cunt is into' he tells himself as he stares at the neglected volume at his bedside.  He wants to spend just one day recuperating and allow himself to be reminded that he is human, just go for a walk, sit down, stay off drink for one day.  What's one day?  Even the severest pissheads in the world can manage 24 fucking hours without a beer.  Are you worse than them?  But he gets a more interesting offer.  Time and time again.  Best friend is coming home from abroad!  Can't miss that shitfest!  Offered a last minute gig?  That rarely happens these days, take advantage!  So he's back at that godforsaken oyster card reader sidling through the gates of sensibility into a lashing rift of depravity and mindlessness.
Its easy to comfort oneself with bollocks reasoning when one is a degenerate fuckhead alcoholic.  'I have to keep doing this' thinks Jim.  'If I stop then I allow myself time to reflect on how despicable the world is.  Humans are cunts and if I drink enough I can periodically forget that I am one.  90% of the casualties in Iraq are civilians and yet we set up a second charity to help the gun-toting bastards that are killing them.  Strangers make snap judgements about me on the street and feel compelled to shout them at me as I pass.  When I'm in company I'm not familiar with I either lash out, grumble snide remarks that undercut their hollow philosophies or just leave.  And between leaving and getting home the overwhelming beckon of self-destruction proves near-irresistable.  There are plenty of high platforms and fast vehicles.  Why don't I just do it now?  Or I stay and rip into people.'  A drunken run in with a lost stranger, a fellow binge drinker, ended ugly this time.
'YOU'RE A FUCKING STUPID CUNT' (him)
He's ugly and his clothes are shit but I never reach for easy targets.  He seemed like a nice bloke before (even though right now I want to grab him by the jaws and tear his head open at the mouth) and I don't want to contribute to any lasting self-esteem issues.  I have no qualms with calling him a prick, because he probably isn't one therefore it shouldn't cut too deeply.
'STOP LAYING INTO MY FRIENDS YOU DULL PRICK' (me)
A previous, similar exchange ended with me hospitalised with a fat eye and a dented skull that I'm yet to have fixed so I drunkenly bow out of this one with drunken conviction in tact.
Next day I dwell on the drama, the fury of it all and the bile rises up in the back of my throat.  I can feel my face turn fire-red and what shreds of hope I may have had for humanity are strewn across the floor like the innards of animal carcasses in a slaughterhouse splashing grimly against the hard stone.  I want to grab the heaviest thing I can find and destroy the second heaviest thing.  Then I receive a text message and I'm saved.  I don't need sleep, the abuse I'm giving my body on a nightly basis has hardened me to fatigue and numbed me to remorse.  I'm leaving my seething brain at the door this time, I'm going to blitz whatever leftover consciousness there is with rivers of alcohol and I don't care how much I'm running my life into the ground.  I want to remove myself from this abomination of a species and I might as well do it through means I enjoy.
Mercy grants me a sunny day (though neglects to omit the arbitrary hangover) and I take some old advice and crawl to the nearest park for a lie down in the shade.  I'm flat on my back under the clear blue sky with my headphones drowning out reality.  Everything is beautiful and I haven't even thought about ducking out for an afternoon pint.  I periodically open my eyes and am greeted by sweltering, sweat-dripping bellies bouncing across the green, children dribbling pink ice cream and snot, tripping over footballs and inhuman shades of tanned, leathery skin shouting things at their equally-cooked mates.  I glance up at a distant plane overhead and despite the serenity I would love for the plane to dip right now and plummet toward me, not soaring gracefully to the ground but defying all physics and right-angling so it hurtles nose-first right into me.  I close my eyes and I can actually see its looming shape, growing by the second until all is darkness and I'm sprayed like shrapnel from a landmine into all corners of this park.
I still haven't replaced those jeans, its getting beyond a joke now.

Death App

A Social Media Epic Tragedy

5th May 2012

3.30pm
Josh Gleeson is Single
4 people like this
    Graham Smythe: Shit mate you alright?
    Kerri BozBoz Boswell: Score! :D  2 likes
    Frank Boyd: Fuck em all and let god pick the right one
    Josh Gleeson: What the hell does that mean?

5.15pm
Graham Smythe: 'What a fucking lovely day.'
2 people like this
    Graham Smythe: All the best to anyone not feeling so lovely.....
    Josh Gleeson Likes This

7th May 2012

8.30pm
Tasmin Troyer: I wish I didn't have to cause so much pain but I mean what I said
    Natasha Smith: Whats up?
    Tasmin Troyer: Personal!
    Josh Gleeson: ..............
    Graham Smythe likes this
    Tasmin Troyer: ??

10.12pm
Josh Gleeson posted a Photo8 people like this
    Harry Parker: You two look awesome together!
    Frank Boyd: .........awkward.......
    Kerri BozBoz Boswell likes this

11th May 2012

2.01pm
Graham Smythe: Bit messed in the head this "morning" after a wicked night with Josh Gleeson and 4 others
4 people like this
    Josh Gleeson: I wasn't there.....
    Graham Smythe: What are you talking about??

2.02pm
Kerri BozBoz Boswell: Sum people need2 lighten up!!! It aint the end of the world!!
16 people like this

5.46pm
Graham Smythe likes David Hargreaves's Page
   Graham Smythe: Who else is up for this??
   Frank Boyd: Shit yeah!

8.35pm
Josh Gleeson: 'I wish I could take a sleeping pill, and sleep at will'
5 people like this
    James Burr: Fucking love the Magnetic Fields...
    Tasmin Troyer: You alright......??

8.42pm
Josh Gleeson: 'I'll dream alone'
    Frank Boyd: Your posting a lot of updates mate...

12th May 2012

7.59pm
Graham Smyth: Got my beer, all set for @David Hargreaves's gig!
    Josh Gleeson: Why are you typing like you're on twitter?
    Graham Smyth: You coming Josh?

13th May 2012

2.07am
David Hargreaves: Last fucking gig I put on for a while... some people cant handle their drink
    Graham Smyth:  I think I know who you're referring to.... you know the situation(?)
    David Hargreaves: No excuse!
    Josh Gleeson likes this

5.12pm
Tasmin Troyer posted on Josh Gleeson's timeline
    Tasmin Troyer:  Why aren't you answering my texts?

6.52pm
Josh Gleeson: I wont find my answers at the bottom of this bottle, I can see the bottom!  Ah well worth a try
7 people like this

7.06pm
Graham Smythe: Being a bit boring after a pretty epic weekend!  TV and stir fry!
2 people like this

8.50pm
Josh Gleeson: What is shit?  Just a piLE of life!
    Graham Smythe:  You feeling alright mate?

10.01pm
Josh Gleeson: It isn't a bare wall I'm looking at, its a relentless, staring void stoicly reminding me that it will never get better.....
    Kerri BozBoz Boswell: Errr... grim!?
    Graham Smythe:  did you get my message?

11.41pm
Josh Gleeson:  So guess I was right about those answers... shoul;d probably sweep up this broken glass
    Tasmin Troyer: Josh please answer your phone

11.51pm
Graham Smythe posted on Tasmin Troyer's timeline
    Graham Smythe: You nearby?
     Tasmin Troyer:  I'm in Cornwall until Wednesday :(
    Graham Smythe:  Never mind.

14th May 2012

1.12am
Josh Gleeson: Goodnight everyone!
4 people like this
    Frank Boyd:  Nighty night Josh!
    Kerri BozBoz Boswell: Finally a cheery one!  Night love x
    Tasmin Troyer: Goodnight xx
    Graham Smythe Goodnight everyone???

1.45am
Graham Smythe posted on Josh Gleeson's timeline
    Graham Smythe:  Josh I'm coming round.

3.27pm
Graham Smythe: I can't quite believe today.  It must be a nightmare.  Please
    Frank Boyd: If its on FB it must be true!!
    Graham Smythe:  Erm.  You haven't heard have you?  I'll PM you

15th May 2012

7.52pm
Graham Smythe and 21 others posted on Josh Gleeson's timeline

Graham Smythe: Rest well mate.  Save me a beer up there, we'll see you one day x

Frank Boyd: RIP Josh.  Still can't believe it :(

David Hargreaves: Goodnight mate x

James Burr: A true legend.  rest in peace

Kerri BozBoz Boswell: Miss you Josh xxx

Natasha Smith: RIP Josh x

Tasmin Troyer: I love you Josh.  I always loved you and I always will.  I hope to heaven that you knew that.  Rest in peace xxxxxxxxx
   Graham Smythe commented on Tasmin Troyer's post.

3D Boom!

FW Murnau's Nosferatu (1922) is to be rereleased in mainstream cinemas this summer, after a full and in depth conversion to 3D. The silent classic, currently available on DVD in a multitude of editions, is said to be a sure draw for mainstream audiences upon its imminent rerelease.

The Weimar director, deceased, said 'This is how we always intended the film to be shown, with Count Orlock's fingers poking out of the screen and such.' The late German film maker justified the inevitable decision, claiming 'how awesome would it be to see all those classic moments; the Vampire's shadow on the wall, Max Shrek in the doorway, but leaping off the screen at you instead of remaining in 3D? I always wanted the technology to be ready for this kind of thing.'

The cutting edge, innovative 3D technology has enjoyed occasional mainstream success throughout the last century, specifically in the 1940s and 1980s. The original Thirteen Ghosts was made in 3D and numerous films and terrestrial TV programmes in the 80s (including episodes of BBC sitcom The Young Ones) were also in 3D. There are fears among some that the current run of successful 3D films is just a phase, and that future generations will be completely baffled by a small subgenre of early 21st century films in which characters inexplicably point things at the camera at random intervals. However, experts maintain that this time round it is not merely a trend, it is a leap forward in visual technology. For example, as a spokesperson for home entertainment company LG states, 'if it was a passing trend do you really think we'd make 3D TVs? Do you really think people would sit in their own living rooms with those stupid glasses on if it were just a trend? This is the future of film and television, just like it should have been in the eighties.'

The rerelease of Nosferatu follows in the wake of other much loved, but previously non-3D classics being wheeled out once again, such as self-professed 'king of the world' James Cameron's fifteen year old Titanic (the real life deaths of hundreds of poor people proving even more hard-hitting in 3D), and the entire Star Wars sextet, including the universally disliked prequal trilogy, which has seldom been out of cinemas since its birth in the late '70s. When director George Lucas was asked why he didn't rerelease his films during the 3D craze in the 80s, he stated he was 'too busy making new films back then.' Since the release of the final Star Wars in 2005, Lucas has retired from having ideas and has instead turned his talents to consistently rereleasing his old films, albeit with minor CGI (now 3D) adjustments to justify ticket prices upwards of £15 to see something most of the target audience can watch at home.

Cameron, set also to rerelease his recent hit Avatar next year in 3D-er, picked up on the potential opportunity for box office success when he realised he could profit massively from tweaking previously-told stories after the release of the aforementioned sci fi hit. 'If you can make money simply by giving Pocahontas a blue tail, then surely you can make even more money by having Kate Winslet's boobs jumping off the screen', the Oscar-winner claimed. 'When that mid-coitus hand hits the steamy car window in 3D, I swear to Satan your minds will be blown.'

Odeon Cinemas are confident that new fans will flock to see Nosferatu in 3D and because of the new digital enhancements are considering a 2013 onslaught of 'literally any film that springs to mind'.

Film Review: 'Wrath of the Titans'

First things first. This film really should be called Wrath of the Titan, because there really is only one titan (although Cronus does achieve a fair bit of wrath and that's still one titan more than 2010's Clash). Nonetheless, the latest installment in Sam Worthington's eternal mission to punch as much CGI as possible does feature a fair few more rock stars of Greek mythology than its predecessor, albeit divorced from their proper foes and environments. Chimera beats up a village, the Minotaur is beaten down by the Australian Demi-God Perseus in a matter of seconds and a family of Cyclops all say sorry to our heroes.

Wrath is severely unspecial. Worthington maintains he took the job because he hated himself in Clash and wanted to right his wrongs. He doesn't. Perseus has about as much presence as the elusive titans (plural) when he's not shouting at monsters or randomly snogging Rosamund Pike (equally sparse of character) and the supporting cast seems to be bizzarely made up of a plethora of sarcastic northerners. Granted Worthington's Antipodean tones are hardly accurate, but at least he's performing in his own accent. The mind boggles at the (assumedly) directorial decision to have Bill Nighy's fallen God speak in the manner of a drunk Boltonian and until I specifically learn otherwise, I will fervently maintain that Toby Kebell (nauseating as Agenor, son of Poseiden) improvised the entirety of his dialogue.

The more stellar portion of the cast are wasted and, in the case of Ralph Feinnes' Dark Lord Volde- erm, Hades, almost look like they know they shouldn't be there. Characters die off the cuff and crumble into a laughable pillar of dust while the vague shreds of a plot fizzle around them. The ending is also completely barmy, and never has the term Deus Ex Machina been more literal.

Why is Liam Neeson's Zeus so helpless? Why does Hades change sides more often than Cronus farts fire? Will the inevitable third installment actually feature more than one titan? None of these questions are raised. The 3D looks gratuitously lovely and the digitally rendered environments are occasionally impressive but these positives don't save a poor outing for Worthington and co. However this much is likely; a third Titans film looks as likely as a sudden leap in quality is unlikely.

Bring your own 3D glasses, Wrath of the Titan is definitely not worth the extra 80 pence.