Saturday 26 January 2013

The Setting Moon

I'm really walking into a blizzard.  Something I can't seem to ever tap with a sober mind is now only three or four sips of whiskey away from bursting out like a bullied child at the end of his tether.  A hangover used to be two or three hours of sore head.  Then, several years down the line the sick stomach was added to that equation, making a sort of dire cocktail.  Throat ache and the shits followed shortly after, and for some reason a blocked nose made a brief appearance.
Now, though, my body has exhausted its plethora of internal inflictions on these thumping Saturdays, and has handed me the reins.  The inflictions are now external, still physical but with obvious roots (probably, I wasn't there) in the mental.  Aching, swollen knuckles.  Gashes down my right arm.  Why am I doing this to myself?  Surely the booze already does enough damage on its own.  That untapped thing is clearly a cause for concern, something dangerous and nocturnal that shouldn't be let out when I'm not there.  A werewolf.  A full glass is my full moon.  The human flesh I seek to feast on is my own.  That incredible tube station chase scene between the raging beast and the terrified, solitary commuter from An American Werewolf in London happens in my head all the time.  I'm both parties (in case I hadn't made that clear by now).
I tell her I'm going to do it, one day, and every time I say that I'm more and more convinced myself and she endures me and endures me again and again and again and sticks by me as I scream into my palms or babble about high balconies and oncoming trains.  Then I awake, wait for all the horrible things to come flooding back (and the obligatory facebook delete-a-thon) and roll around my crumpled bed sheets turning this internal monologue into one, long groaning syllable.  I take a moment to locate my newest injuries then I try and close up completely through either embarassment, shame, self-pity, anger, sorrow, guilt or afternoon TV.

The calm lasts a while.  Everything is okay for a generous portion of time.

Then I'm doing it again.  A few merry pints and a fond conversation has somehow taken a wrong turn to another horrible threat of suicide to the last person on Earth who deserves to sit through this.  Again she stands by, endures me and doesn't walk out and leave me to myself forever more.
But one day the fragment of an idea pops into being.  It will be a while before it is seriously entertained, but once it's there it can't be shed.  She finds herself increasingly in long bouts of consideration for weeks on end, then I act out again and the camel's back is smashed to shit.

He won't do it to me again.
He won't have the pleasure of seeing my face when he makes those threats.
Because I will do it.
No threats, no repeated tongue lashings on the matter.
He'll be home soon, better get to it.

Once again I'm crying into my pillow.  Only this time I know exactly why.  I'm tugging at the duvet crumpled on the empty space next to me.  This time there's nobody to endure me, because they've done all the enduring they could.

Wednesday 23 January 2013

The Exploding of Jeremy and Jessica

One afternoon, Jeremy blew up. Not in the manner of a balloon, rather, he exploded. It was a horrendous mess, for his body was all over the room. His ear, to give you one example, was sliding slowly down the radiator, leaving a nasty trail. Luckily, Jeremy managed to pull himself together and shake it off. He was not one for complaining needlessly about things that can't be changed.
Later, Jeremy went for a walk because it was a nice day. He bumped into his friend Jessica. Jessica was pretty. She was a street artist when she had spare time and Jeremy liked that about her (and her).
Noticing Jeremy's manner, she asked 'Why do you look so dishevelled?'
'I just exploded' said Jeremy. But he felt okay really.
Jessica sighed and nodded slowly. 'So did I' she said. 'There must be something going around.' Jeremy and Jessica walked.

A brash, angry man, also called Jeremy as coincidence would have it, sat on a bench far away. He knew other Jeremy and hated him. He hated him so much that he could almost never think about anything else at all, which, if you think about it, is quite a serious matter.
He was drinking from a can of beer on this bench, which he really shouldn't have been doing because it was still daytime and he was all on his own and, of course, he was angry enough without beer. When he finished it he went home, ever angrier for having no more beer.
'It isn't fair' thought angry Jeremy to himself. 'Other Jeremy exploded but he's okay already and I'm still so sad.' This negative reflection only made him hate other Jeremy even more.

Other Jeremy went to a coffee shop so he could talk to Jessica all afternoon. It wasn't a big, scary coffee shop that looked like a hundred others, it was a nice little one owned by people who worked there and it was the only one that looked like it in the world. Jeremy sipped his coffee and thought about how easily it had suddenly become to talk to Jessica. Had his earlier exploding had something to do with it? Jeremy looked around the room at all the different people sitting on armchairs and benches talking to one another, and wondered how many of them had exploded that morning.
Jessica talked about her and her friends' art and could tell that Jeremy was really listening to her and not just waiting for the conversation to turn more personal. Jeremy enjoyed talking about graffiti with Jessica, even though she didn't like calling it graffiti.

Angry Jeremy got home and decided to call his friend Cassie. He couldn't remember how he had gotten Cassie's number, but he knew, somehow, that he shouldn't have had it.
Cassie answered. 'Erm... hello?'
Jeremy sighed. 'Hi Cassie' he said, gloomily.
'Oh, erm...' Cassie shuddered. 'I don't know if, erm, I should be talking with you.'
This made angry Jeremy sad, and angry. 'Oh, please' he groaned.
'Well, I don't know'.
Jeremy shouted and threw his mobile phone at the wall so hard that the sound hurt Cassie's ear. She gasped. Then she hung up too.

Other Jeremy hugged Jessica and she got on the bus. He went home and turned the television on and smiled.

A week passed and Jeremy decided to throw a barbecue party because the weather was still nice and he had a day off. It was such a nice day that even angry Jeremy came. Of course, Cassie being there was motivation enough with or without sunshine. Jessica felt a bit sad because she used to be a vegan. Other Jeremy's friend, who was very sure of himself and enjoyed talking about things he had done more than listening to stories about other people also came. He spent all afternoon flirting considerably with Jessica and Cassie's friend which was ultimately a vain effort because she hated men.
Cassie arrived and smiled nervously at angry Jeremy and when she turned away he got very angry and threw his sausage roll at the sky. Other Jeremy's cocky friend noticed this and told him to calm down, but angry Jeremy punched him so hard that he turned almost see-through.
Other Jeremy noticed the fight break out and rushed over to try and stop it all, but instead got punched as well and so a three-way, drunken fight ensued. Jeremy's cocky friend, who really loved Jeremy despite himself, tried to protect his friend and host against the brutal lashing of angry Jeremy, but got so badly hurt in the process that he disappeared completely.
Jessica, Cassie and their man-hating friend watched the event in horror. Cassie was so scared of the violence that she ran far, far away and was never seen again. Jessica was just disappointed and went home. This really upset Jeremy, who was usually so calm.

Days passed by and angry Jeremy was very sad and hadn't gone out in days. He sat in his lonely armchair drinking (whiskey, this time) and thought long and hard about how he would definitely never see Cassie again, all because of the fight at the barbecue.
The room was so big and bare that angry Jeremy felt tiny in it.
Angry Jeremy reached under his armchair and pulled out a gun that nobody knew he had. He took one big sip of whiskey and pointed the gun at his sad face. He took a deep breath and then disappeared forever.
* * *
Other Jeremy (now simply Jeremy) tried to apologise to Jessica many times, but her friend that hated men kept assuring her to stay away from him because he was violent really and not nice inside. She stood steadfastly by her advice for a long, long time. But after many occasions seeing Jeremy walk calmly by, getting on with his life and not feeling sorry for himself like angry Jeremy used to, and not insisting that he was in the right like their cocky friend used to, she began to understand a bit more.
One afternoon she accidentally found herself in a conversation with Jeremy.
'Hello, Jeremy' she said with some polite caution.
'Hello' replied Jeremy with a smile. 'How's Jessica?'
'She's just fine' said Jessica's friend. 'How are you?'
'I'm good' said Jeremy. 'It would be lovely to see Jessica again but if she'd rather not I will go on my way.' He smiled again. 'Hope you are well.' Then he waved and walked away.
After that conversation, Jessica's friend started to realise that Jeremy was most probably good for Jessica and began to think that not all men were horrible. Besides, all of Jeremy's bad friends were gone now anyway. Eventually she apologised to Jessica for interfering and went away.
Finally, after all their weaknesses and insecurities had died and gone away, Jeremy and Jessica were able to be together like they should have been in the first place. All they ever were from then on was happy.
For, you see, there really were only ever two characters in this story.

Tuesday 1 January 2013

My Top Ten Films of 2012

To my shame, I never managed to see a good few films that have been critically acclaimed as some of the best of 2012.  To name but a few, Rust and Bone, Life of Pi, Silver Linings Playbook and Sightseers likely belong on this list, but as it stands this is my personal opinion of what were the best films of the year.  It has been a pretty spectacular year for films, with even the majority of the over-hyped blockbusters managing to deliver.  There were the inevitable waves of dross and disappointments (I'll get to those) but here are my favourites.  Feel free to tell me I'm wrong.

Avengers Assemble
Joss Whedon, would you believe, knows how to make a comic book movie.  While his ability to handle ensemble casts was never in doubt (having already proven his worth with Buffy, Angel and Firefly), his being chosen to solely handle an event film with five years of anticipation and expectation possibly was.  Lo and behold, the director expertly handled his inhereted super-divas and gave us an unexpected show-stealer in Mark Ruffalo's Hulk.  Far and away the most fun action-adventure film in years.  The future of Marvel Studios is a promising one.

The Dark Knight Rises
Chris Nolan's Bat-trilogy closer has been met with some criticism (mostly regarding the film's length, myriad plot-holes and Tom Hardy's near-inaudible Bane voice), but TDKR wonderfully rounds off the greatest trilogy of the century with a sprawling, unrelenting tale of class war, mob rule and the most brutal Bat-foe yet.  Furthermore, Anne Hathaway's welcome turn as Catwoman gave an essential light-heartedness that the bulk of the series had yet to see.

Looper
The adequately covered (to say the least) time-travel genre gets the indie touch as Bruce Willis is sent back in time to be disposed of by young Bruce Willis (A prosthetic-nosed Joseph Gordon-Levitt, fresh from his star turn in TDKR).  There is a genuinely fresh touch to the familiar paradox material with inevitable nods toward genre classics The Terminator and Twelve Monkeys, but what really elevates Looper are its central performances, whether it be Levitt's startlingly convincing impression of Willis, or the refreshing second-act arrival of Emily Blunt in one of her best and most fun roles to date.  Riann Johnson's sci fi thriller is not without its shock factor, either.

Dredd
Sylvester who?  2000AD fans finally get the Judge Dredd movie they deserve.  The Alex Garland-scripted, dystopian crime thriller may be narratively similar to this year's The Raid, but as a genre movie it really excels in eschewing the first-installment archetypes.  This is not 'Judge Dredd Begins', we are not given the pleasure of witnessing the titular cop's origins, this is simply a day in the life of Dredd (and not even a particularly significant one, as the closing moments reveal).  The skull-smashing, uncompromising Dredd does not develop as a character; the human stuff is left to newbie Judge Anderson, and the Slo-Mo sequences are the signature of the film's spectacular visual style.  A box-office flop, one can only hope that Dredd is a DVD hit, because few comic book worlds are more deserving of further exploration than Mega City One.

The Hunger Games
Critics were unable to overcome The Hunger Games' undeniable similarity to cult classic Battle Royale, but some of the best-loved works of fiction share narratives with older works (Jaws and Moby Dick, anyone?).  Either way, the familiar premise is merely a device to explore Suzanne Collins' horrific future.  Class-divide ensures that while empoverished townships live in fear of being selected for the annual death match, the more privelaged societies wish for it.  The decadent, detached high end of society is beautifully realised and draws you into a startlingly convincing world, before revealing the true horror of the situation; as teenage corpses begin to pile up within minutes of the Games beginning.  Ignore its praise as being 'The New Twilight', Jennifer Lawrence's Katniss is a female lead that readers/viewers can be proud of.  She doesn't cry herself to sleep over a man (nor is that the point of the story), she takes matters into her own hands and is rewarded for it.

Argo
Director/Star Ben Affleck's period biopic of a government rescue operation disguised as a Star Wars-esque film production may take the odd Hollywood style liberty in its final act, but nonetheless Argo is a consistently tense, often hilarious and wonderfully understated spy thriller filmed in an almost documentary style.  Alan Arkin and John Goodman supply the comic relief, while Affleck delivers a reined-in, Pearl Harbour-forgetting performance as the agent entrusted with the operation.  Simultaneously a celebration and critique of American Cinema, Argo triumphs in its convincing realisation of the period and the uneasy political backdrop in which it exists.  If Affleck continues to produce films like this one, his former reputation will quickly be forgotten, and deservedly so. 

Moonrise Kingdom
Wes Anderson continues to demonstrate his inability to make a bad film with this sweet love letter to childhood.  Anderson regulars Bill Murray and Jason Schwartzman fail to disappoint as ever, while newcomers Edward Norton and Bruce Willis are expertly played against type as childlike loners bordering on pathetic.  The central narrative of two childhood sweethearts on the run from their disconcerted parents and carers may be age-old, but the innocence and discovery piles on the joy as their adult neighbours' parallel relationships gradually spiral into despair.  As expected of an Anderson film, the soundtrack is killer, the comedy deliciously deadpan and beneath the surface of War of the Buttons style kid-slapstick and misanthropic one liners, there's a joyous message that you can take with you long after the credits roll.  His best since The Royal Tenenbaums.

21 Jump Street
The surprise comedy triumph of 2012, destined to become a repeat-viewing classic in years to come.  The pairing of Jonah Hill (who has been in every comedy film made this century) with hunk-of-the-moment Channing Tatum is unlikely but pays off, particularly for Tatum who gets to showcase his comic skills as a former cool kid having to adjust to the changing heirarchical social groups of highschool; the nerds he used to pick on are now the cool kids in post-High School Musical/Glee America, while being a meatheaded, chauvanistic jock is no longer something to be admired.  The comedy isn't tired and the necesseties of the genres (buddy cop/teen comedy) mean that the film becomes wonderfully self-referential just as it looks in danger of firing off a cliche.  Then there is that cameo, surely the funniest appearance of a Hollywood A-lister since Bill Murray in Zombieland (I won't mention who it is, although I will say that 21 Jump Street is the big-screen sequel to an '80s TV series starring Johnny Depp...).

The Pirates! In an Adventure With Scientists
The best Pirate-based film of the decade (and no, I'm not overlooking anything).  The perpetually typecast Hugh Grant takes a refreshing turn as the arrogant and air-headed Pirate Captain alongside David Tennant (that bloke who used to play some alien on TV) as the brilliantly self-deprecating antagonist Charles Darwin.  Possibly Aardman's best since their TV golden years, The Pirates is full of cheeky British humour that adults should enjoy as much as children and is the perfect antidote for anyone rightfully jaded with the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

The Cabin in the Woods
The other Joss Whedon triumph of 2012; just when you think you know exactly where The Cabin in the Woods is going, it completely changes direction.  Just when you think you know where it's going this time, it flies completely off the rails, in the best way possible.  The Cabin in the Woods utilises and subverts as many horror cliches as it can get its bonkers hands on and does so with spellbinding and often hilarious results.  Think The Evil Dead meets Lost with some surprisingly non-superfluous God lore thrown in for good measure, add Whedon's trademark razor-sharp dialogue and you've got the most original and inventive horror film in years.

And how about the worst films I saw this year?  Or rather the ones I wasn't smart enough to avoid?

Ice Age: Continental Drift
The ever dwindling Ice Age series delivers its weakest entry yet, and foregoes narrative structure and character development for bizzare pop culture references, forgettable musical numbers and the addition of an annoying gang of younger generation tweens aping the mission of their tragically sidelined parents.

Total Recall
The latest in the long tradition of pointless and inferior remakes; leads Colin Farrel and Kate Beckinsale do the best with what they're given, but their decent performances are drowned in what may be the blandest sci-fi in a long while.  Nods to the brilliant original feel misplaced rather than nostalgic as Total Recall achieves the impossible; longing for Arnie.

Wrath of the Titans
I've covered this elsewhere.  Let's move on.

The Devil Inside
See above.

The Raven
It seems The Raven's sole purpose is to cash in on the success of Guy Ritchie's recent Sherlock Holmes films, as we have a beloved (this time non fictional) literary figure reimagined as an absent minded but brilliant buffoon.  The film sees John Cusack's Edgar Allen Poe playing detective against a killer using his own macabre tales as inspiration for his crimes, but the reveal is so out of left field it feels less like a twist and more a 'what the fuck?' moment.

The Campaign
I walked out of this film around the moment when Will Ferrel punched a baby.  I don't feel I should comment but it does hold the record of being the first movie I've ever been unable to complete.

Dark Shadows
Tim Burton once again assembles his wife-and-best-mate duo for this big screen adaptation of shonky 60s soap opera Dark Shadows.  The result is an unfunny Addams Family that looks promising in its opening scenes but quickly falls apart as it becomes clear that everyone involved other than Johnny Depp really doesn't want to be there.  The first Burton film where it really shows that his heart just isn't in it.