Dear Life,
You have been good to me. When I was born you were careful not to send any traumatising hardships my way, anything that would have had ongoing psychological repurcussions in later life and I'm really grateful for that. You helped my parents give me a happy childhood and although, like any privellaged child would have done, I complained every now and then, I look back on it fondly. I played outdoors as much as I believe a child should, I had good friends who showed me how to grow up and interact with people, but who didn't tiptoe around my feelings when they felt the need to criticise me. I stayed indoors and read, or drew pictures or wrote stories which I'm thankful for because those early hobbies have given me the creative inclinations I now so cherish.
As I grew older you kept sending good people my way, people who were there for me when I sometimes selfishly wasn't always there for them (but was when I felt up to the challenge). In my teenage years I felt you had somewhat given up on me and offloaded a ton of negative character traits and emotions on me that, at times, made life quite hard, but I now appreciate that you do that to most people and its for a greater good, if you were to resist testing people at an impressionable age then so few would have the sociological tools necessary to appreciate you when true hardships arrive. I look back on those years with mixed emotions but don't mistake that for lack of ample fondness. You showed me what love was just around the time when I thought I would never find out, then as I grew older you showed me that having that love removed is not the end of the world.
You've always kept the good people close to me and the bad people distant. I pride myself on my judge of character but I know that the cosmos works in mysterious ways and if you wanted evil to interfere in my life then you could have made that happen but you chose not to, even though you have to so many others.
I know that nothing in my life is truly bad, however much I may think it is. You let me experiment with drugs and you seem to have guided me, somehow, into near alcoholism. I don't know why you finally chose to do that to me after being so good to me for so many years prior, but you must have your reasons. The whimsical among us tend to think that all things happen for a reason and, although I'm largely apprehensive to see things their way, I suppose they could be on to something there.
But your care sometimes wanes, if I were to be honest with you. It seems, retroactively, that you have been teasing me with loving care and the supposedly perpetual offer of good things. To be frank you're being a bit of a prick right now. Why have I, all of a sudden, been given this disposition to overthink things that shouldn't bother me? Why am I suddenly so wary of and disappointed in the human race when you have never given me reason to be in the past? I haven't learnt any of this negativity from the environment so it must have been YOU that started doing this to me. How FUCKING dare you?? Only when I feel good enough about myself to try and see the brighter side I only then self-punish for the extreme hubris I associate with myself for inwardly implying that I'm better than them, those so-called good people that you've surrounded me with. I have lost the ability to appreciate the NOW, I edit out all the things I should be proud and happy about and distort my decent life into a CURSE. WHY have you done this to me? You SADISTIC CUNT. Where do you seem to get off delighting in a man agitatedly destroying everything around him because you've somehow twisted his otherwise rational mind into thinking everything needs to be destroyed? I am increasingly surrounded by sordid examples of humanity's callousness and degeneration and YOU'VE shown me this. And YOU'VE given me this anger and tendency to jeapordise my relationships with the good people around me. YOU showed my friend being layed into by a group of people he didn't even know, FOR TRYING TO FUCKING APOLOGISE. YOU set a gang of pissed-up cunts on me in the dark to smash my skull in and have to have serious surgery when you were so busy before allowing me to convince myself that I'm a decent person who doesn't deserve this. Fuck, you've even given me weakness of character enough to do THIS. Were you ever planning on conceding your sick efforts and showing me that you're not so bad? When exactly? I knew that life was hard before you made me this way. You've let arseholes and idiots prosper all around me and if that wasn't enough you've even refrained from letting me rise above such triviality. SHOULD I care about people chasing shallow status symbols and catching them, letting them think they're socially above me? I shouldn't. I KNOW people that don't and while I respect them, I AM NOT ONE OF THEM. At what point did you give up on me? What the FUCK have I done to you? I doubt you'll ever let me know.
I was grateful for the first half of my life thus far. 'Was' being the operative word. WAS. You've clearly given up on me and I must have deserved it, but I can't work out how or why. So I want to give up on you. I'm done with the scum of humanity being too inept and poison-headed to accept apologies that come from my ACTUAL heart, so why should I expect any better from you?
Fuck you. I hate you.
All the best
Joe xx
No comments:
Post a Comment